Where life leads us

Chapter 54

After a training session as you might expect from the Williams drivers, I headed to the McLaren box. Unfortunately, the teams had already talked about my grandmother's death, so everyone wanted to offer my condolences. I always thanked me very well, because they meant it only well.

When I was at McLaren after hours, Andreas was the first to tell me: "My condolences and of course you can fly back with us. We have also released Lando until Saturday so that he can accompany you." As it should be, I would like to thank Andreas. Carlos and his cousin were the closest to me. My friend quickly noticed that this was more than unpleasant for me. That's why he came as my saviour and took me with him. Actually, Carlos should have known that death didn't take me with him, because he knew my relationship with her like most drivers. But at that moment he just wanted to be polite, as everyone wanted.

As soon as Lando and I were out of the box there were photographers in front of us. Without hesitation, my friend pulled me closer to him and walked ahead towards his Driver Room. Luckily, I had put on my sunglasses when I left my office.

I held on to my friend, as the photographers always made me slightly scared when they stood in front of a stand as a horde. Otherwise, the way to the driver's rooms had never happened for so long, just felt like a hike. My decision to go to the box, I started to regret easily. Not because I was grieving, but I didn't like the media looking at me.

Inside Lando's container, I relaxed: "Why is the whole world suddenly interested in the death of my grandmother, the witch didn't deserve so much attention." My friend looked at me because he still couldn't imagine that I was just hating the woman. But what should you feel about a woman who had always treated you as dirt and scum?

'As soon as she's underground next week, there will be interested in her. Isn't there really a nice memory of her?" he asked me. He seemed to have done something of the season, so he sat in an armchair like a wet sack opposite me. Even if the room was small in and of itself, there was still a lot of space in the containers, including an armchair.

I briefly ponder: "Christmas 2011 she was sick and couldn't speak any more. I saw her maybe for five minutes, it was the best Christmas with my mother." Silently my friend looked at me, while a toilet formed in me, which I wanted to swallow down. But Lando had already seen him, and so were the tears that were coming.

"Let it get out, scream when it's yours, but let me share your thoughts. I want to understand what is going on in you. Only when I know what is going on in you can I help you," he stood up and knelt in front of me. He had put his hands on my knees, where mine were. There was no grief in me, it was anger and bitterness. Feelings that I had held back all these years, because you shouldn't feel them towards your grandmother.

A tear flowed down my cheek: "My first memory of Abuela is how she screamed at me at Christmas. I was 3 and didn't even know what I had done. So, I had only played with my doll, to this day I don't know what I did wrong. On my birthday she never congratulated me, the cards always came with the signature of Abuelo. She had also always called me 'ni'o del diablo' translated devil child, but as a child I didn't understand what was going on. I just wanted to like one of them, I had really tried everything. I had made drawings for them or made things, which she always threw straight into the fire of the fireplace. Every time I saw her, I had hoped that she had come to her senses. Also, on our last phone call, but every time I was disappointed. You were supposed to become resistant at some point, but it hurt every time. I wish I could grieve for them like everyone else, but I can't because it is a redemption for me. Hoping for reconciliation and being hurt has come to an end, at least from her."

It did so incredibly well to let everything out. For years, my emotions had accumulated in me and had now been broken by the dam. Lando had just held me and listened to me. I was able to drop and knew for the first time that I was being caught. He was my rock to which I clung and never wanted to let go.