*please listen to the audio above, it's based on the following imagine.*
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"What's been keeping you sane?"
"His cologne."
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|Remy^
He's everywhere.
Everywhere I go,I see him in other people,in other men.
I breathe him in like the air.
Sometimes,I stop in my tracks to admire the beautiful blonde boy,but shake my head and walk away as his face washes off from the particular being I'd imagined to be him.
I look up at the ceiling as I lie down on my bed,knowing this was what we'd do together,once.
I looked down at the floor,knowing this is where I had my first breakdown.
My body knows it will never feel his soft touch again,yet I still crave it.
I don't sleep at night,I can't.
Sleep deprived,I'd say.
I sit in the dark,all alone and laugh to myself,pretending as if he's with me probably cracking some joke.
I giggle out of the blue,whenever I picture our memories,sometimes earning looks from people if I'm in public.
Sometimes,when it becomes unbearable,I get drunk and walk on the streets,trying to catch a glimpse of his beautiful face.
I snuggle up to myself and look next to me,hoping to find him there with his arms wide open.
He left me distorted.
An insomniac and psychic person is what I've become.
Laughing in the middle of the night,in spite of being alone,stumbling around drunk,breaking down every now and then.
I've been shaken,mentally and physically. To the core.
And despite of all this,I still feel him,his warmth.
How,you ask?
Before leaving me behind as his worst past,he also left a piece of clothing with a bottle of spray.
Forgotten,more like.
A hoodie to keep me warm when his physical touch can't. And to feel him,
his cologne.
I spray it on the dark coloured hoodie and snuggle up,I close my eyes and breathe in,picturing his breath taking face in front of me.
It's clear.
Every second I'm without him,I pretend we're skin to skin.
I walk over to the window beside the door and rest my palm on it as my forehead touches the cold glass.
I sigh and watch my breath form before shutting my eyes.
"I can't do this anymore!",his voice echoed through the walls.
I stood there.
"Why?",my voice shook.
On the inside,I prayed for this to be a ridiculous joke or prank,but his seriousness crushed my hopes.
He looked up at me only to be staring directly in my eyes.
His eyes,ones that were readable to me every time I'd look into them,held emotions I couldn't get past.
"Am I not good enough? ",my lips quivered as an unstoppable flood of tears escaped my eyes.
"Not for me."
My breathing hitched,a pang in my chest and the shaking of my body caused him to look away.
"I'm sorry.",and with that,he left.
I could swear that it was the last time I saw his eyes,heard his voice and watched him walk away.
We couldn't be fixed.
My eyes opened at the painful memory.
I walked upstairs and into my room. I saw his black hoodie lying in the corner of the room.
I grabbed it and went inside the bathroom.
Oh,how a warm shower helps.
I slipped it on, it reached my mid thighs,the sleeves were a little too long,perfect for the cold weather.
I stood in front of the mirror after drying my hair and grabbed the bottle that had his scent secured.
I sprayed it and was mesmerised immediately.
I walked downstairs and opened the refrigerator. I bit my lip as the last two bottles of beer were left.
Yes,I'd bought them home a day before.
You might gag at this,but when you're in a state like mine,nothing but this helps get rid of reality.
I grabbed one and opened it.
My insides satisfied at the 'pop' sound it made. I held it up to my lips,and sipped some of it.
My tongue wanting more.
I gulped down the whole bottle in no time.
With a blur vision but satisfied heart,I grabbed the last bottle left and opened it too.
I looked at the door as a hiccup followed.
I turned the knob and walked out,shutting the door forgetting that the keys were inside.
I stumbled across the driveway and giggled as I kept on making my way forward.
I hummed and kept on singing,"La,la,la!",stretching the 'a' whenever I felt like.
I was walking backwards as I took another sip when I felt my back bump into a stone hard chest.
"Uhh,I'm sorry.",I apologised while joining my hands and looking down. My hair was falling all over my face due to the bending.
"Remy?"
My body tingled by the sound of my name being said so soothingly.
I looked up and smiled,showing my teeth.
"It's youu!",I whined.
He stiffened,but eyed the bottle in my hand. "You're drunk!"
I shook my head immediately.
"It's just my head playing tricks on me, it's been doing so since the past eight days.",I giggled.
"Re-", I cut his call off.
"I've been walking around these streets.",I spoke as I pointed at the road with the bottle I held. "And all I see is you. "
A few hiccups followed.
"I walk around and see people wearing a mask,",I said as I opened and closed my fist. "They have those same green eyes,the same hair and face."
"It reminds me of him.", I smiled. "And how much I love him."
I looked at the person in front of me,his eyes held sadness,his lips were parted with nothing to speak, overall he looked apologetic.
I stood on my toes and took a closer look at him,leaving our faces inches apart.
"In fact, you're just like him."
At that statement I made,he looked taken back.
His expression turned into something I couldn't quite make out,but his touch mesmerised me.
He interlocked our hands.
I watched him as he walked pulling me with him,he took the empty bottle from my hand and threw it in the nearest bin causing me to frown.
"that helps,a lot.",I said sadly.
He took a look at me with a frown too,before looking in the direction we were walking in.
"Why would you say that?",he asked.
I shrugged. "It doesn't abandon me. I don't have to be good enough for it."
He stopped walking for a couple of seconds to take a proper look at me. He ran his hands through his hair.
"It keeps me sane."
He gripped the edges of his hair before beginning to pull me again.
Soon enough,we were in a familiar driveway. We stood on the porch as he asked me,"do you have the keys?"
I shook my head. "They're inside."
His eyes widened. Anger seemed to fume from within him.
"You were going to walk around in the middle of night, drunk and half dressed, without having anywhere to go!?"
I giggled again.
"What were you thinking?", he yelled as he gripped my arms tightly,which made me flinch.
He sighed.
"Come with me."
"You'll hurt me.",I said as I took a step back.
"Why would I?"
"Because there's no one who'll come looking for me. No one that cares is around.", I breathed. "The only one that did is long gone."
His face seemed to relax,but his frame looked uneasy.
"I won't."
I looked at him and nodded,before slipping my palm in his. And we walked inside a huge house, which took us a few minutes to reach at.
The walk was something, I made weird yet funny faces causing him to chuckle, half heartedly though.
He opened the door and motioned for me to go in.
I walked in and looked around in the darkness,amused,I giggled.
As he shut the door,I spoke softly.
"Darkness is lonely. But I never feel alone. Yes, I'm lonely. But when I laugh at night whenever I can't sleep,I know I'm not alone.", I smiled.
"Why is that?",his voice broke out.
"Because I pretend he's there."
There was silence for what seemed like forever. The lights were soon switched on and I scoffed.
"This just reminds me of reality."
He walked over to the couch and made me sit down before grabbing milk from the kitchen.
He sat down beside me.
"Who is the he you keep on referring to? ",he questioned.
"Johnny.", I smiled.
It was soon replaced by a frown. "What happened to him?", he asked again.
I took a deep breath.
"Nothing happened to him,he's great. Perfect as always.",I smiled. "I am what happened."
I earned a sympathetic look from the dirty blonde.
I chuckled as I swung my legs back and forth before speaking,"I wasn't good enough."
He gulped down hard and looked away.
"What did you do after that?"
I sat back and huffed. "I lost my sleep, my sanity. I used to stay up at night and giggle all to myself pretending he's right in front of me cracking some jokes,I used to walk around and search for him, I drink to wash away the loss and pain."
I open my eyes that had been closed during my short explanation only to see a drop of water trickle down his face.
I giggle and shake my head.
"Don't worry,", I assure. "I've started to see the hurting as the cure."
And soon enough, he got up and left.
|Johnny^
I rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I looked in the mirror as I breathed heavily.
What have I done?
I left Remy as a completely different person. I'm the cause for her to be in so much pain.
It's undeniable,I'm the cause of this.
I'm the reason for both of us to be in so much misery, her especially. The past week has been pretty rough on me too.
But she's going through a lot more than I am.
I don't remember leaving her like that. Those beautiful blue eyes seem to have gone dead.
Her hair that I was in love with stroking, have become messy as ever. I left her.
Broken.
I slammed my fists against the wall and walked out. As I made my way over to the couch,I saw her playing with her fingers.
I smiled a little,the sight of her in my hoodie reminded me of the old days.
"Hey."
She looked up and smiled.
I took a seat beside her as she fiddled with her fingers.
I need to ask her this.
"What's been keeping you sane?"
She sighed and shut her eyes at my question. She inhaled and stayed.
"His cologne."
I froze.
"He left it behind that day. He also left his hoodie.", she said as she played with the hood of it. "And I've been wearing it and spraying his scent on it ever since."
"Why?", I whisper as I look down, guilty as ever.
"Because, it makes me feel like he's there. There with me. His warmth, I can feel it.", I continued to look at her as she spoke.
"His presence was a drug to me, his absence an addiction."
I breathed heavily at what she just said.
I grabbed the bottle of milk and opened it before giving it to her. Hopefully, this will help the drink to wear off.
She looked at it and giggled.
"I'm not a kid.", she stuck her tongue out.
I smiled and shook my head. "Drink it,it'll help the headache in the morning."
She took it from me and gulped it down.
I watched as she held her head and her face scrunched up. She opened her eyes and smiled one last time.
She collapsed in my arms and drifted off to sleep before murmuring one last thing.
"I hate that I still love him."
I gulped and wrapped my arms around her. My chin rested on her forehead.
"I love you.", I whispered.
It felt good to hold her in a long time. I felt sane.
• ° • ° •
|Remy^
I yawned and shifted.
I opened my eyes and sat up. Soon enough, I realised that I was in a different bedroom.
I looked down at myself and sighed in relief as I found myself in the same clothes as last night.
"Morning."
My head flew in the direction of the voice I hadn't heard in the past eight days.
It pained me to do so.
My breathing hitched as I saw him standing there,his arms were crossed as he looked perfect as ever.
he was in his Nike sweats.
"Johnny...",my voice trailed off.
I shook my head and stood up, making my way towards the door. "I'm sorry,I don't have to be here."
I felt my wrist being pulled back as I was slammed to the door frame, gently.
His forehead touched mine as our breaths mixed.
"Don't leave.",he whispered.
I bit my lip as tears brimmed my eyes. "I can't stay. I'm not good enough."
He shook his head looked into my eyes.
"You are more than what I deserve. My worth isn't you.",he said softly.
"Then why did you leave me that day?",I cried, taken back by what he just said.
"My mind wasn't in the right place.",he answered. "it's after I lost you that I realised what you are to me."
I continued to breathe heavily.
"What am I to you?"
"My sanity.",he replied honestly.
"My happiness lies in that smile of yours,my satisfaction is being able to hold you close to me, knowing that you're here with me. Safe as ever."
I bit my lip harder at what he just said.
I wrapped my arms around his neck as he got hold of my waist.
"Don't leave me,please.",I sobbed in his bare chest.
"I won't.", his voice trembled.
I looked up at him as he leaned in. He touched his forehead on mine as he whispered,"I never stopped loving you."
"Neither did I."
Our lips crashed and it felt like I was at home. This fluttery feeling, I hadn't had it since the past week.
Oh, how good it felt.
We pulled away and gasped for air.
"Stay with me."
"Always.",I smiled.
●♢●
I enjoyed writing this one!
Here you go, Remy! I hope you liked it<3
We're almost at 10k reads, woohoo:)
Btw,I have something really exciting coming up next, it'll take some time.
But it'll be one worth reading.
See ya💕