The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 97

I woke up around ten in the morning and I obviously didn't have enough sleep because of all the thinking I had done during the night. Unfortunately, ever since James and I separated that I got used to it. Ever since, I always had terrible nights. I got out of bed softly so I wouldn't wake up James, grabbed some clothes and went to the other bathroom and I had a shower. I didn't have classes that morning, and I was glad because I was not sure if I could survive a morning of classes for I felt exhausted physically and emotionally. Either way, I also didn't know if I could survive my class that afternoon, because we're going to watch an autopsy for the first time. It got me nervous too. I wasn't sure if I was capable of being in front of a corpse and watch a person desiccate it while explaining to us where all the organs were. I sure needed to get used to it but being my first time, I was a nervous wreck.

In the kitchen, I thought about the best way to have another conversation with James. I thought about a million ways to begin the talking, and I almost listed in my mind the points we needed to focus on. This was clearly useless because the course the conversation would take depended on his answers,. It would not just be me doing a monologue, James had his issues to talk about too for sure. One thing I was sure, I wasn't happy being separated from him, but the way we were doing things then was not making us happy either. I mean I was happy when I was with him but when he was gone my sadness reached the highest levels I can remember in my existence and I was sure it got him even worse too. We were damaging ourselves. I was afraid James would just lean comfortably in this situation and would drag it for as long as he could. Thus, I truly had to find the best words to tell him. I knew he was just too black and white. There was no gray for him, so one word misplaced would ruin everything and I didn't want that. I wanted him to understand my point.

After breakfast, I went outside. The day was ugly and there was still a bit of wind. The sky was dark and filled with clouds. It would probably rain again. Maybe not with the intensity of the previous night though. The garden was filled with leaves that have fallen from the trees. My daisies were simply ripped off the land. I looked down at the beach it was filled with garbage brought by the choppy sea. I had to find a way or someone to clean the mess left by the storm. When I came back inside, James was in the kitchen just with a towel around him. For a moment, I thought I'd laugh but then I just handed him his clothes and greeted him good morning. I prepared something for him to eat while he showered and set the table. He joined me about half an hour later, filling the kitchen with his wonderful smell of freshly showered. I sat at the table with him to keep him company and searching for a way to start the talk we needed to have. James looked at me and studied my face. He knew me too well and he knew something was bothering me.

"Are you ok?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I feel a bit of nausea... I guess it's because I haven't been sleeping properly." I told him.

"Is it just that?" He said, raising an eyebrow. I shook my head again and I didn't say anything because I didn't know where to start. At that point, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to talk to him at all. "So, what is it?" He asked.

"We need to talk." I said, gathering some courage. James rested his fork on the plate immediately and looked at me. "But you can finish breakfast first." I told him.

"No... no... I'm done. Go ahead. I'm listening." He rested his elbows on the table and his blue glaze held mine in place.

"James..." I stopped to think where to begin. It had been much easier when I had rehearsed the conversation alone in the kitchen. With him staring back at me, everything was so much harder. "You know... I love you..." I paused and he nodded. "Ok..." I breathed. "... but this situation... I mean us... the way we're doing things is not exactly what I expected." He looked at me waiting for the rest. His eyes weren't even blinking. "We've broken every single rule we established for us. You live with another person with whom you have two kids and yet we have sex. Not to mention unprotected sex. We are too irresponsible. My intention in all this was to help you, not to pretend everything is fine between us when it's clearly not. I am the other woman..."