The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 20

After I hung up, I froze for a few minutes. I couldn't act or say anything as the voice of that woman blasting in my ears that she was his girlfriend played over and over and over inside my head. I couldn't shut it down. It all seemed unreal. How could have he lied to me? I asked him so many times about it and he always told me that he was free, and I was just finding out the hardest way that he was not. I didn't deserve it. I had always been nice and respectful, so I didn't deserve that hideous treatment. In a second, I knew he treated me like any other woman he had been with. I have been chewing gum... all types of feelings started assaulting me after a while, sadness, anger, rage... maybe a cocktail of all of those for certain. One other thing I was sure, I had never felt as humiliated as at that moment. I had never felt as stupid as at that moment. The voice of the woman echoed in my mind without giving me a break or time to process it. It was merciless. I was unable to let go of those seconds of the stupid phone call and I concluded that I had trusted someone I knew all the time that couldn't be trusted. I had only one person to blame for it and that person was me. Only me.

I looked at my plane tickets that were resting on my nightstand and in an access or pure rage, I ripped them in tiny little pieces and tossed it all in the garbage. New York would not happen after all. James had broken my heart. Then, I curled in bed and started crying. I could not avoid that. Silent tears at first and then sobs, loud sobs. My mother heard me and came in to check out what was happening.

"Lea?" She called my name as I felt her weight sinking down the mattress as she sat on the bed.

"Leave me alone, mom." I asked her, chocking in my own crying. Soon, I felt her hand patting my black hair and I cried a little more.

"Why are you like that?" She whispered. "Do you want to talk?"

"No." I told her. "I am not going to New York." I decided to tell her though, and there was a moment of silence. I knew she was surprised.

"Why, sweetheart?" She asked then.

"I don't wanna talk, mom." I sobbed. "I don't..." I gasped as my shoulders shook.

"Ok..." She told me and then she held me close, curling with me on the bed.

"Oh mom..." I almost yelled as the pain corroded me.

"It will be alright, sweetheart." She whispered, knowing something had obviously gone wrong.

"It's not." I told her.

"Yes, it will be." I felt her lips kissing the top of my head.

My mother stayed there until I finally fell asleep and believe me, it took me long to do so. I woke up the next morning not wanting to face world, so I just stayed in bed. The phone rang about a dozen times that day. Every time, it was James trying to reach me, but I asked my mother to tell him I wasn't at home. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want anything, but distance from him. She was the one telling him that I wasn't going to New York after all, but she didn't know the reason why. He didn't know either, but I thought he knew the reason, though. I swear. It never crossed my mind it had been a set up. After many phone calls, my mother came into my room and sat on the bed ready to talk to me again because she had always been a very reasonable person.

"I don't know what he did Lea..." She said, patting my hair. "...you must have your reasons to be doing what you are doing, but he sounds so desperate, sweetheart. Maybe you should talk to him." She advised me.

If only I had taken her advice... things would have been so different for us. I was 21... I knew nothing...

"I don't want to talk to him, mom." I told her though "At least not now." I said with tears falling down my face. "I am not ready for it."