The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 92

I haven't heard of James the rest of that week, but I've heard about him. Pepper kept me posted of his latest adventures. Meanwhile, I broke up with Howard. After my conversation with James the week before, I really didn't see a point in continuing with this relationship. I knew I was only hurting him, but unfortunately there's always someone who gets hurts in the end of a relationship. This time it was my entire fault. I had led him on. I was the one giving him false hopes and it didn't make me feel good. Though he didn't see it at the time, ending our relationship was the best thing for him, for I was not at a good mental moment. Either I admitted it or not, I was living James's addiction which didn't make me a good company to have around.

One day, Lars was walking around in circles in my living room. He was completely irritated and I was feeling dizzy just from watching him go round and round. He was also getting tired of James and his tiring behavior.

"Come on Lars, calm yourself down a bit." I told him.

"Calm myself down? The fucker didn't show up again." He said, waving his hands franticly.

"Maybe he was not feeling alright." I said quietly.

"Lea, we had important stuff to do at the studio. Why are you always defending him?"

"I'm not defending him!" I exclaimed.

"Yes, you are!" He yelled at me for the first time ever if I could recall. A yell, not just raising his voice. "And God..." He shook his head right after. "That doesn't help him at all."

"Hey, I do the best I can!" I yelled back. "What the fuck do you want me to do? Apparently, pushing him away like I've tried didn't work either. Remember that?" I paused so I could let him think a bit. "It was even worse... at least if I stay by his side, I can try to control him a bit! And I haven't seen him since Monday. Instead of accusing me, you guys should be better friends and try to help him too, but instead you are just pushing him away."

"No one is pushing him away. He pushes himself away, that's different. But one thing I can tell, he's taking you with him." Lars shot at me. I looked at him and puffed and shook my head denying it. "It's true, Lea! You can't support him just because he's not so bad when you're around... even more because I've seen the two of you almost hitting each other in the middle of a fight."

"I'm just trying to pull him out of his addiction, nothing more. " I said calmly.

"I'm afraid you're just trying to ease his addiction. Coming back to him is not gonna help, it's gonna make you miserable" Lars said.

"I'm not coming back to him! Where did you get that idea from?" I frowned.

"No? Come on Lea, we all know you love him."

"YES! I LOVE HIM!" I shouted. "But there's no way I'm coming back to him, and he knows that. But then, I do feel like I am the only person capable of getting him out of the bottle. And do you wanna know why? Because I am the only person who really gives a shit about him! You guys just bother if he doesn't show up for a fucking rehearsal, or a studio thing or whatever the fuck he has to do! Other than that, he can drop dead in the middle of the street and no one gives a fuck!"

"That's not true!" He said.

"Yes, it is true." I affirmed. "Maybe you guys should open your eyes. He feels alone! You only miss him if he doesn't show up for a Metallica thing. If he's just getting shit faced at a party or elsewhere, no one cares. Have you ever noticed that his problem now isn't just the drinking? Have you even noticed that he's addicted to some pills?" Lars looked at me surprised. "Yeah... I thought so! See how right I am?"

"He is?" He asked with his eyes wide opened. I nodded.

"I mean... I am not sure, but I think he is. I have been trying with Pep's help to know which pills he has been taking but with no luck yet. The only thing I know is that he takes too much of those pills."