The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 40

I came back from the hospital tired for I haven't eaten much. I just had a sandwich besides the apple I've taken from home the whole day. James was watching a football game when I entered the house and he looked at me when he felt my presence in the room but as he didn't say anything, I decided not to say anything as well. So, I went to my room and took my clothes off and went to take a much-deserved relaxing shower. After my long revival shower, I put on a pair shorts and a shirt for my house had the heaters on full force. I brushed my hair and decided to come back to the living room. Maybe it was time to face him and talk or try to. I knew it was hard to break his shell sometimes and I also knew I wasn't discharged of guilt either. With my heart beating a bit faster, I sat by his side and grabbed a snack, trying to make it casual.

"Are you still mad at me?" I decided to ask him.

James kept looking at the TV. I gave him a few seconds to answer me, but I perceived he still didn't want to talk. Like I said, something it was hard to break into his shell. So, I got up ready to leave, but as I did so, he closed his hand around my wrist, preventing him from going anywhere further. I didn't create resistance. I didn't pull my hand away, but I also didn't look back at him. I just waited for him to say something, and he knew exactly what I was waiting for so he started speaking after a few seconds of hesitation.

"I hated my father all my life for leaving me. I can't do the same to my daughter. I have to be there for her. Make her happy. I have to give her what I didn't have. I don't want her to grow up hating me because I left her." He paused, breathing heavily and then continued. "At the same time..." The pause here was longer and a sigh escaped his lips as if he was being tortured. "Lea..." He called my name almost painfully. "I love you... I love so much... you have no idea how much I love you, Lea... and I want to be with you. I know it's hard for you to see me with someone else and I know I don't have the right to ask you to wait for me..." James started crying there. He took a deep breath to calm down and then continued. "But if you give me some time, I will fix things. I just want to show my little girl I am there for her and that she's important to me, and that I love her. I want to show her that she has a father that cares and then I can leave, and even fight for her custody."

I turned around to look at him. We were both crying. I can't say his words didn't affect me. On the contrary, I felt everything he felt. So, I walked closer to him and wiped the tears from his face.

"I thought I could be your friend but I can't." I told him. "I can't be close to you without wanting to caress you, kiss you and hold you. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish but I want you for me. I don't want to share you with another woman." James interrupted me there.

"You don't share me with another woman. I don't sleep with her." He told me.

"It doesn't matter!" I said. "It still hurts... It hurts too much. It hurts so much I can't even describe it. You're right... you can't ask me to wait for you. We don't know how it's going to be in the future. Right now, I can tell you I can give you all the time in the world but tomorrow I don't know." I was honest with him. "Things change..."

"I know it's hard." He agreed. "Today, I was thinking about us and the idea of you finding someone to date crossed my mind and I just can't stand the idea. So, I know how you feel."

"No..." I shook my head. "...it's much worse than just date. You are living with her. You're building up a family with her. And I know your reasons but it doesn't stop the pain." I sobbed. "And don't tell me you do not sleep with her... you two live in the same house. It's the same thing!" I argued.

"Lea..." He said but I shushed him.

"Don't say anything else, James." I asked him. "The more we talk about this the more we hurt each other. We are not together but we expect things from one another that only a couple does." I claimed and he nodded. "It's very confusing."