The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 34

James spent the night with me and left right after breakfast because I had a lot to do. I had to prepare my interview. I also wanted go to the record store and call Mark. I really needed to talk to him. I started my day with my visit to the record store and as soon as I got what I wanted, I headed home as quickly as I could. I put the CD on my stereo and played the last song on it. I instantly loved the melody and loved the passion James put into the song while singing it. The lyrics were kind of sad and it made me even sadder knowing that he wrote that thinking about me. Secretly asking for my help... waiting for me... desperate... my tears fell down while listening to it. I heard it about five times in a row and cried louder as I realized we were not going to be together ever and I loved him so much.

That was the first time after breaking up with him that I was playing a Metallica CD on my stereo. All my CD's stayed in Barcelona. I listened to the rest of it and acknowledged, James's lyrics were very personal that time and I could hear many of the stuff we have talked about in those songs. It was clear to me that he needed help. He needed guidance. He had a lot of demons stuck in his head and music was one of the ways for him to deal with it, but it wasn't enough. I made peace with Metallica after listening to Load: I really missed the other songs I loved so much.

Meanwhile, my doorbell rang and I went to the door to open it, and I found Mark. I had completely forgotten about him while reminiscing through Metallica's new content and I owed him a huge explanation. I was glad he had taken the courage to look for me.

"Hi, I'm glad you came." I told him giving him space to get in.

"Yeah... I guess we need to talk." Mark told me looking in my eyes.

"Do you want coffee, water, tea, anything?" I asked first.

"No, I don't want anything. I'm fine." He answered. I sensed a bit of resentment in his voice, but I could not blame him.

"Then, sit on the sofa." I pointed at it and I followed him.

"Mark... I'm really sorry you had to come across that yesterday." I told him first thing, looking down at my feet embarrassed, but I owed him an apology.

"After two years you do something like that Leandra. How do you think that made me feel?" He asked me.

"Terrible, I know." I said. "But I didn't plan it. I don't know what tell you." I shook my head.

"When did you meet him?" He asked.

"In 1993." I said in a whisper.

"That long?" Mark raised his tone completely surprised. "Do you still have feelings for him?" I just looked at him and Mark knew the answer immediately. "I never knew why you never said you loved me. I thought it was just your way. I guess I know the reason now. You loved him all this time." He acknowledged.

"Mark..." I started, but he didn't let me finish.

"Where did I fail? I was always correct and gentle and I did everything you wanted. I loved you madly. He's an alcoholic and, has a terrible reputation. What do you have in your head?"

Mark began with the accusations. It was the easiest way; I knew it so I cut him some slack.

"He's more than that." I defended James. "Ok, maybe others can see just that but I can see further than his alcoholism and his reputation. It's not your fault that it didn't work out between the two of us. The problem here is me." I told him.

"You're breaking up with me." He said running his fingers through his air. "You are really breaking up with me." He repeated, shaking his head.

"I thought..." I stuttered, not knowing exactly what to tell him.