The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 23

The next few weeks went rather normal. I was trying to eat healthy so I wouldn't put on too much weight or at least as much as I could avoid because I felt hungry all the time. I was also feeling sick all the time. Also crying secretly all the time. Nevertheless, I was in love with my child. It had brought some sense of joy back into my life, though it didn't replace the hole that its father had left. Nothing seemed to fill that void. Nothing... and it hurt so badly. Time was not healing anything. Time was only making me miss him more and more.

Professionally, the world was happening to me. I was overwhelmed with the speed that things were turning in my favor. I never thought I would have so many important people in the fashion field interested in me. I made my first cover of an international magazine and I was really proud of it. Until then, I had only made covers of Spanish magazines, but now I appeared on the cover of Marie Claire, a high recognizable fashion magazine. The fashion show I had booked was a success, and I got invited instantly for a new one. My bank account was growing at an unimaginable speed. If money could give you full happiness, I would be a very happy person by then. I was also invited for the London fashion week, which was one of the biggest events in fashion. Models like Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell used to be part of it. I was baffled with my new adventure.

Due to all the work I had in the fashion industry and I had to comply with, I had to miss an entire week of classes at the university, but I wanted to work. For the first time, work in fashion came first. I had a bigger reason for it by then. I was pregnant and I wanted to give my child the best life possible and for that I had to make money and I was doing a huge amount of it. My opinion about that world didn't change though, it really was a rotten world and I would never play dirty.

Lil was living with me. I enjoyed her company and it was nice to have someone I knew and cared about around. She was working part-time as a booker and she loved her job. She was even thinking about quitting university. At first, I took the news roughly. I didn't want her to stop her studies, but then I understood why she was thinking about doing so. I thought about that too, to be honest. We were both so filled with work that we almost didn't have any time to dedicate to our studies and we needed time... She was fascinated with my new celebrity condition. I was far from considering myself one and honestly never wanted to be one, but I was by then rather famous. The more I worked in London the more people recognized me and some TV shows were even asking for my appearance. Consequently, my privacy had lowered considerably, which I hated. I knew my sudden fame came from appearing with James in public. That had to explain the sudden urge to hire me for almost everything that was happening in the fashion industry.

Modeling demanded a lot of me by then, but I still wanted to keep my mind occupied. I had a lot in my plate, modeling, university, the baby but whenever I had my down to earth moments, James would pop up in my mind instantly. I wanted so much to let him go and I wasn't capable of doing it. Well, I was caring his child in my womb which made things even harder. It was impossible to forget the father of my child. Our child...

One day I heard Metallica on the radio, and I didn't turn it off. I forced myself to listen to it. I enjoyed listening to them, but it very heartbreaking to hear his voice. I learned that moment that I still couldn't separate the two things, Metallica the band I loved and James the man I loved. Hearing Metallica was hearing James. It was his voice, his guitar, his lyrics, and it all hurt too much. I could not let go of him and no one knew the despair I felt inside of me for not being able to do so. Time should be a healer and I was learning time wasn't doing anything for me. Time was only going by and not changing anything.

By then, my belly wasn't completely flat. I was already 12 weeks pregnant and I had a tiny swelling. Nothing a larger sweater couldn't hide. The press hadn't notice I was pregnant. I was trying to hide from the public eye as much as I could and due to an awesome work of my agency the news was kept hidden. Thankfully. James till had no idea I was pregnant and the more time passed, the more I knew I was not going to tell him about it.