The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 24

It didn't take long until he picked up the phone. He was so fast it seemed like it hadn't rung at all. My heart stopped beating that instant. The world came to a halt. Everything around me ceased to exist and my tears fell down my face so silently. It seemed like I was not even breathing. I froze in the moment.

"Hello" He said in that deep and calming tone of his that I was missing so much.

My heart pounded so much just from hearing his voice, it seemed it would jump out of chest at any second. I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to say something, but I was unable to say a word. How stupid, I know...

"Hello" He insisted. I remained in silence holding the sound of my crying. My hand gripping onto the phone so strong, my knuckles were bloodless. "Lea, is that you?" He asked. How could he know? Was he expecting me to call him sometime? "Talk to me please." He said.

"J..." I began but I regrated it and I shut up. I was not even sure he had listened to that fainted sound that came out of my lips incredibly low.

"Lea..." He said again. "Please, say something. Please..." He pleaded. "I know it's you..."

His acknowledgment that it might have been me on the phone, destroyed me inside even more. I closed my eyes in despair. Part of me wanted to talk to him so much, insanely much, but the other was just too hurt to say anything. With trembling hands and an even more broken heart, I hung up the phone and cried helpless. I felt so alone in the world that very moment and I had so many people around me. I had so many people taking care of me and loving me and yet I felt like the loneliest person in the whole world, because no one but me knew what and how I was feeling. I cried for hours, loud. I don't remember crying that much. I know Lil could hear me, but I didn't care. I wanted to let all my despair and hurt out and crying was the only way to do it. I stayed in my room until Lil finally called me for dinner.

"Come on." She told me patiently. "Let's have dinner, you must eat something." She insisted, sitting on the bed by my side.

"I'm not hungry" I told her still with hiccups from my heavy crying. My eyes were hurting, and so was my head.

"I know... at least join me in the table. Let's talk a bit." She suggested patting my head. "You haven't said a word since we left the doctor's office and that worries me"

"I called him, Lil." I said, resting my head on her lap and wrapping my arms around her. "I called him, and I heard his voice and I love him. I still love him. How do I stop loving him?" I asked her. "I need to stop loving him! How do I do that?"

"Who? James? You called James?" She asked a little lost.

"Yes." I said, crying again. "I miss him so much and I just needed to hear his voice. I've lost our baby" I said sobbing.

"You heard what the doctor said, it happens a lot." She caressed my hair still. "You didn't speak?" Lil asked me. "I mean... on the phone..."

"No. I couldn't say a word." I confessed.

"I still think you should tell him. It would be easier if he was here with you. I'm sure if you'd tell him he would come running." Lil said.

"It's too late now." I whispered. "I lost the baby. I lost him. I lost everything I cared for."

"Well thank you lady!" She said ironically, trying to light up my awful and dreadful mood.

"You know what I meant." I said with a weak smile.

"Come on. Wash your face and join me for dinner." She said, pulling me up.

"Ok." I whispered, agreeing.