The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 21

I could barely sleep that night thinking about what Lil had told me. In fact, my period was late, I knew that. I knew it and I had been hiding it from everyone, including sort of hiding it from myself too. In a way, I had been really stressed, so I disregarded it. It used to happen many times when I was under more turbulent times, so I thought that time it was just the same thing. I prayed it was the same situation. I was in no shape to take any more sudden and unexpected news.

"Could it be?" I thought to myself, raising my arms in the air in despair and tossing them above my head with my eyes staring at the ceiling though it was dart dark inside the bedroom.

I started going through our moments to recall a tick where we might have been less careful, and there was one time where I could remember us not being prudent. Just one time. Don't tell me once turned into something this big. This nightmare couldn't be happening to me at this stage of my life, not when I wanted to start over. Not when I wanted to let him go and not even remember of his existence. Not now... not ever.

"God please, no." I whispered, rolling on the bed. and burying my face on my pillow anticipating the worst-case scenario in my head.

My breasts hurt. It had been a couple of time that I felt them really sore and swollen. Some of my bras didn't even fit anymore. Deep inside my heart, I knew the worst-case scenario was the true scenario. I sobbed and choked and cried myself to sleep just like I had done every night since I had let go of him. I always fell asleep of exhaustion. I always passed out after crying until I had no more tears. That night wasn't different. The only difference was that instead of a unique reason to cry, I had two and the two were linked. The two were related to one another.

The next morning, I woke up really soon. Lil was still asleep, and I passed by the bathroom to wash my face and my teeth and run a brush over my hair. Then, I just put some trainer pants and a sweater, and I left the house in a hurry. I was determined to bring that doubt to an end. Still, first, I had breakfast in a small café around the corner of the street I lived and then walked a bit in the park until the pharmacy opened. I had to get that doubt out of my head. It had to be done. So, when the pharmacy opened, I bought the test and went straight back home. As I got to the apartment, I left my keys on the phone table by the door and I went straight to the bathroom and locked the door. I opened the blue box of the pregnancy test and read the instructions attentively and after, I peed on the stick and let it rest on the basin until the time to read the result was due. Five minutes. Five long minutes...

While waiting, I closed my eyes and prayed again. I remembered telling James that I didn't believe in God and there I was... I was so desperate, that God seemed the only possible help. Lil had awakened a monster in me and I needed to get rid of it. I had to know I was not pregnant of the man that betrayed me and that I have left. I could not be pregnant with the child of the man I wanted to hate but that I loved so much. I didn't want anything of him in me and especially a child. A child would be like a tattoo on my face, it would be there for the rest of my life and I had to talk to him again. I did not want any of it. The timing was horrendous, and I had just turned twenty-two. I was not ready to be a mother... Suddenly, a knock on the door made me jump.

"Lea, are you in there?" Lil called me.

It took me a few seconds to answer her for I was caught off guard and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I wanted to let her in yet.

"Lea?" She insisted.

"Give me just a few minutes." I told her, feeling my heart jumping out of my chest.

"Are you ok?" Lil asked me.

"I am." I told her though my voice came out trembling a little.

"For real?" She insisted.