The Diary of Our Love

Chapter 91

A year passed... 2000

In a year many things changed in our lives. James had another child with Francesca. A boy that they named Castor, and they were still together. I didn't know how she managed it though. You cannot imagine how much he had gotten worse within a year. His habits were the same but on a worse scale: drinking, women, hunting, and he was away from home as much as he could. Despite all, I can say we were on polite terms. We were definitely not friends but we talked whenever we saw each other. She would always let me play with Cali when we were at parties and she never tried to make a scene. If you ask me... I knew she was very unhappy. One cannot be happy with a man one knows is not in love with us. I pitied her sometimes. I evolved from the state of not liking her at all to the state of pitting her. To me, she was rather self-destructive for insisting on a relationship that would not make her a better person.

James? Well James was a different story. He became arrogant and even rude to me, since I started my relationship with Howard. I knew something like this could happen but considering that when I came back from Europe the previous year he was already in a relationship, I think he didn't have the right to take mine in such bad terms, but he did... it was hard to be in the same room with him. It was hard to breathe the same air that he did. He would always find a way to spoil things for us. If he saw me alone it was a different story though, he was the same James I've always known, or almost.

I really feared for him. Despite all, I cared. I cared for him and he was derailing big time. It was heart breaking to see how hard he was falling, even in his career. He had failed shows and Jason had to sing for him. He failed interviews. He failed photo sessions. He bailed on his band mates for rehearsals several times. He rubbed other women countless times in Francesca's nose, not caring she was the mother of his children. He turned my life into hell whenever he could. I had countless fights with Howard because of him, but sometimes I was the only one capable to put some common sense in James's head. I had to do it and I could not just turn my back on him and ignore all his destructive behavior.

If you ask me if I stopped loving him during that year, my answer is no. He sure had become a man I didn't know. He had become a person I didn't like, arrogant, violent, rude... even to the fans! He had become a person that didn't care for anyone, a person that I definitely wouldn't like to have a round, but I knew him and I knew how he was for real and I wanted so much to make him see that he needed help. Behind that ruined James there was my James, and I wanted to bring him back. Even if it was the last thing I'd do in my life. Obviously, Howard didn't understand it. No boyfriend would to be honest.

At that point he was not talking to Deanna again. He had been making Jason's life in the band miserable. It was like he had found a reason for his problems and put all his anger in the way he treated Jason. That was another shock in his life seeing his sister was also abandoning him. No one wanted to be around him. Sometimes, not even me and I know he felt more alone than ever. So, at that point he was losing control of everything and beginning to lose all the people he loved. It was like he was looking around to find someone to give him a hand and no one was there, apart from me and Pepper. That's why I couldn't leave him too. Then, there wouldn't be no one...

It was at this point that my relationship with Howard started falling apart because even though James was an idiot, I couldn't just turn my back on him and I'd stay there to support him. Listening to his insults sometimes, but I knew somehow it wasn't even him talking. I had learned to distinguish his two personalities and didn't take things at heart. My fights with him were creepy though. We had times when we almost ended up hitting each other.

Among all the troubles in my life, I managed to finish the first year of college with good grades. I was then in my second year and medicine became more interesting to me every day. I could see it had been the right choice and for that I obviously had to thank James because he was the one convincing me to do it. I was still a junior student and I couldn't wait to finally get to my internship period. I still had three more years of hard study until then.