Odell has called me so many times, however I cannot face him. I guess he thinks I'm okay because the only time I answer him is when he texts me to ask can he pick up our children. I usually reply with a quick answer. At least I try, I don't talk to him when he's around I usually run to the other room. This has been going on for about three weeks now...he's noticed what's going on because he keeps trying to talk to me about it, honestly I don't want to talk anymore.
Right now I'm working on myself, nobody knows this except me and my therapist but I'm depressed, not just using that term loosely but in all seriousness of the word. I knew I was, but having someone tell it to me made it more real. Sometimes I feel numb to everything, I don't want to do anything because I don't see a point. Everything is stormy and gray except my children they are the little bits of light that peak through but as soon as I'm back alone the dark clouds come back. I've done my best to put up a front for everyone because I don't want to seem weak, I don't see anyone else breaking down because of a man...
This isn't normal what I'm feeling, I think I'm obsessed with Odell because I feel like I lost myself when we split. I think what topped it all off for me was that awful night...the pleasure...even though I was seriously begging him to stop...I don't know how to feel about it. It was the best sex I've had that I can remember, however it was the most emotionally painful experience I've been through, and I've been raped, I've had two miscarriages, and I lost my older sister. I now know that the only reason I was able to push through some of those things was because I had Odell, he was the light in my life, he made me feel better and now without him all this darkness and pain has invaded my life.
I'm going to be honest I cry a lot, I cry all the time, not in front of people but I cry at night when I'm in my room alone. All I do is cry...because I miss my husband...because I'm angry at him...because I'm angry at myself.
I've become very angry in these past two weeks, I've noticed myself lashing out quite a few times now and it's just how things are. I think all these emotions are making my physically sick because I've felt uneasy, I think I'm dehydrated, maybe the depression? I don't know.
What I do know is that tonight I'm going out with Jarvis, we are going to an opening of a club kind of thing. We are the special guests and we're excited, it's the first time I've been out of the house besides to necessities. Odell took the kids tonight because Jarvis told him too, I think Odell wants me to get out because he's heard from our friends how out of it I am.
I didn't really dress up, I stayed in the outfit I was in and I was excited to do this hosting with him. People were recording for a news channel and I think the environment was a breath of fresh air for me.
Jarvis kept trying to cheer me up all night and it was working, however he thinks that I didn't notice him texting Odell every so often. He's being a friend to Odell and I can't even be mad about it.
"Hey funny seeing you here.." I hear a voice belonging to Tabatha, the woman that made me crash my car. I look up and notice that she wasn't talking to me she was talking to Jarvis.
"Hey." Jarvis replies. "Oh hey Lex.." she says trying to be shady by pretending she didn't see me. "Where's Odell? Or are you moving on to Jarvis? I mean he's cute too but he don't seem like your type." She says to me. "This conversation ain't my type either." I reply. "You know what is your type? Rich niggas, you already popped out like 10 babies might as well pop one for Jarvis while you're at it, get all the child support checks.." she says. "I'm just going to pretend that I don't see you standing here because I don't know why your talking to me." I reply calmly. "Oh honey but you do see me.." she says in here annoying screechy voice.
"Aw shit." Jarvis says. I look over and see what he's looking at. He's looking at his ex Tia, Christian's baby mother and the mother Jarvis's first child. She's a bitter person...she hates everything about us. She walks up to us and my jaw drops when her and Tabatha hug. I guess mad bitches do link up.
"Heyyy." Tia says to us. "T I ain't in the mood for your shit, why are you here? Actually I don't care. Lex you trying to go to the VIP section?" Jarvis asks me.
"Yeah, I can't with this shit show right here." I say as Jarvis helps me up. "I GOT YOUR SHIT SHOW!" Tia yells as she lunges towards me. I dodge out of her way and I notice Tabatha trying to grab me too. However before any of their hits could connect and even before I could react Jarvis got infront of me like a shield kind of thing. He didn't have to because I could of held my own with these girls.
Jarvis took the majority of the hits and I tried to reach over him and I managed to grab Tabatha's hair. The club security came to break things up and they kept trying to pull Jarvis out of the mix first but he refused to move until these girls were gone from the general vicinity. He said that he wasn't moving until he knew that I was safe. This in which they proceeded to drag out these two wild animals after I released my grip on Tabatha's hair.
"You alright?" Jarvis asks me. "Yeah I'm good." I reply calmly.
"Ay man I respect you for defending this girl like she was your own." A security guard comes up to us and says. "Thanks man, this my sister, these women tried to take advantage of the situation and I won't going let it happen." He replies. "Thank you J." I say to Jarvis. "Don't thank me, you know how it is, I protect anyone I care about." He says. "Well thank you anyway. I think we should get out of here though things are getting kind of crazy." I say to him.
"You're right let me drive you home." He says. I agree and Jarvis and I begin the drive to my house. I get sad all over again just thinking about how I'm going home to an empty house because Odell couldn't keep his dick in his pants. It's a little deeper than that but that sums up the situation.
"You going be alright tonight?" Jarvis asks as he drops me off. "Yeah thank you Jar.." I say as I hop out of the car. "Look I'll stop by tomorrow before I go back to Miami, you'll be okay?" He asks me again. "Yes Jar, go home to your family!" I say. "Okay see you tomorrow Lex, if you need anything call me alright?" He says. "I will, goodnight." I reply.
When I got home I was sleepy, I was so sleepy, I just wanted to crash...
---
The next night I hear my doorbell and it's not Jarvis because I can see the car through my security app. I go downstairs to open the door for Odell. I don't know why he's here...he said he'd keep the kids all weekend? Who knows.
When I open the door he's alone. "Odell where are my kids?" I ask as soon as I notice the lack of children. "They with my mom, relax." He says. "So why are you here?" I ask him. "I just wanted to check up on you, Jarvis told me what happened." He says. "Well I'm fine, I can defend myself but Jarvis is a class act." I reply. "I know that's my brother.." Odell says. "Yup." I reply. I'm calm I really am but for some reason I'm annoyed by Odell.
"So we never talked about what happened that night.." Odell says. "Odell I don't want to talk about it because it shouldn't of happened I didn't want it to happen." I say. "You know you did Lex, you ain't stop me." He says. I scoff. "I told you to stop and you ain't listen to me Odell." I say to him.
"Nah Alexis, you was saying all of that." He says. "But I was serious Odell." I reply. "You liked it Alexis, don't do that." He says to me. "But it doesn't matter if I liked it or not, you be doing that with who knows how many other bitches you have sex with." I reply. "Alexis here you go with this shit." He says and he's starting to annoy me. "Odell not here I go with this shit, you cheated on me and think that I'm not going to care." I say. "Alexis I don't want to talk about it, it don't matter, can you just not bring that up? Maybe we'll get somewhere." He says.
"I don't want to talk to you, you're not going to fix things with me Odell, you cheated on me, you disrespected me Odell. You can't just tell me not to think about it!" I say raising my voice. "Alexis, I told you I'm sorry, I know I messed up but damn Alexis you gotta have a real conversation with me. I deserve a conversation." He says. "You don't deserve shit, you cheated on me, you don't understand how I feel Odell you don't." I say. "Odell honestly you can can just disappear go away, run away, never talk to me again, I'll be happy." I say. He sighs and doesn't know what to do. A few seconds to by and his phone rings.
He pulls out his phone and I peak over and see that it says 'Zendaya' on the screen. Oh now he really has me fucked up. My inner calm just snapped, now I am pissed, this bitch is really calling him at this hour. It's probably a booty call and I want to say that I don't care but everyone will know that I do.
He hits the power button on his iPhone and the screen switches black and the phone isn't ringing anymore. He knows that I looked at his phone and I see his face drop.
"Odell so you're here begging for me at my house and yet you still have this bitch calling you." I say. "I don't know why she's calling me.." he says. "Odell you're still talking to her, you're here at my house but you should be at hers because if you risked your marriage for her and you're still with her Odell then she must be the love of your life." I say overly calm.
"Alexis don't say shit like that." He says. "I'll say whatever I want because the shit is true!" I say raising my voice. "You think that you're just going to keep her and come fuck me whenever you want, nigga you got the wrong girl." I say to him.
"Odell you think that I'm just your little house wife and I'm tired of this shit, you don't fucking respect me." I yell and I feel myself growing furious with Odell. Just thinking about how he was able to cheat on me and still have this bitch calling him.
"I don't think you're thinking straight, what you saying is crazy." He says. "Odell I wish I could get my hands on that girl...honestly I think that if I ever see her again I might kill that hoe." I say calmly. It's completely changing the topic but I feel like I had to put that out there for Odell to know. "Alexis that ain't necessary." He says.
"Now you defending this bitch!" I yell. I grab the closest thing next to me and I throw it at Odell. It was a picture frame he ducked out of the way and this is when my furious rage started. I started going around the house throwing things at him and just breaking things here downstairs. Especially if they were his, I broke the picture frame of the stupid present I got him for our first Christmas. I heard Santa barking from upstairs and this made me slow down a little enough to where Odell was able to get a few feet from me.
I kept throwing vases, pictures, coasters, remotes, cushions, and anything else I could get my hands on. I had to release the anger I felt, this was my way of releasing my pain, with every slam of an item I felt less angry. I did manage to throw somethings at Odell and he kept talking trying to calm me down but it wasn't working. I kept slamming things until I couldn't anymore. When I couldn't find anything else to throw Odell came up to me and this is when I started hitting him.
I was pushing, scratching, and punching him over and over again. I hit him on the chest quiet a few times and he remained calm trying to grab my arms.
He finally grabbed them and this is when he was able to pull me into his chest. I struggled to get away but then it just turned into tears. I was bawling my eyes out into Odell's chest.
I felt ridiculous, I let a man get me like this, a man who doesn't even love me. I felt ridiculous, I destroyed my home because of a man who doesn't even live here. "Everything's going be okay.." he says softly as he hugs me close. I'm so mad at him that I just want to start hitting him again but I don't have the energy to I just want to cry in his arms again.