Miss Independent

97

We are sitting on a private jet provided by the NFL to fly Odell home and the team doctor, and two assistants are here with us making sure his foot is stable. They are trying to prevent further injury because Odell chose to wait to get back to New York to get his surgery. I felt awful leaving Ayesha and Steph with three more children but I'm just hoping it works out.

"Lex, where's my phone?" He asks me. "It's in my bag, do you need it?" I ask. He shakes his head no. "Just wanted to make sure you had it."

"Well I do."

"Can we talk?" He says as his tone shifts. I nod.

"I just can't do this." He says slowly. My heart starts to pound so rapidly that I think it might fly out of my chest. What does he mean he can't do this? Does he not want to be with me anymore? Is there something wrong or am I completely overthinking. Either way I don't think I'm going to like what he says. It just made me anxious the fact that he's starting our conversation like this.

I try to look at him to see if I can get an idea of what he's trying to say but he's just looking down at his foot not bothering to look up.

"Lex..." he calls out to me to wake me from my trance. "Uh...yeah, sorry." I say quickly as I try to refocus my attention. "I can't do this anymore." He repeats.

I finally gain enough courage to ask him what he means by this. He nods slowly and opens his mouth but pauses. He looks at me like he's thinking but it's more like he's starring.

"I..." He starts. "Look Lex, I'm not the guy you want me to be, I never have been. I don't deserve you, or our family, or anything that I have. If anything I've let everyone around me down. I don't know why that's the path I always seem to choose but it's always been my fault. I can't blame you, I can't blame my life, it's always been me and I don't know how you're doing this...you know, forgiving me because I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you at all. I've never been enough for you and as much as I try to do good by you I always seem to fail, Alexis, I can't guarantee that I'll do because it's obviously not in my nature but I do love you even though I continually show you that I don't, I promise I do, and I don't want you to stay with me out of guilt, Alexis I understand if you can't or don't want to be with a screw up like me..." he says and it became apparent to me that he began to ramble because what he's saying is crazy to me. I understand that he's upset right now but the fact that he's giving me an opt out is crazy.

"Odell I'm not leaving you, I love you, I know we haven't been the perfect couple by any means but all I know is that I love you and I'm not ready to give up on you...but I do need you to do better not just for me but for our kids we can't keep showing them this example because I can't imagine any of them living through some of the things that we have..." I respond to him. I place my hand over his and he looks up at me but I can tell he's still thinking about other things.

"Yeah, I can't keep doing this to myself...I've sabotaged everything good that I have, my wife, my sport, and my family." He says and before he can open his mouth I look at him and ask about what he meant with the 'sport' comment.

"It's my fault that I got injured...I let my entire team down and honestly if they decide that they don't want me, I understand, I haven't given them the effort that they expect or deserve from me..." I look at him like he's crazy because I know he isn't blaming himself based off an injury...that's actually ridiculous.

"Odell it's not your fault that you got injured." I say. "Alexis it is, I've been skipping practices, I haven't been taking care of my body and training the way I'm suppose to for the games, I didn't even do my pregame stretches to warm up to help prevent injury and I just haven't been focusing on anything the way I'm suppose to be." He responds. "Look Odell I understand all of that but either way I doubt that would of changed you getting injured, it's just another road block." I say to him. We talked for a while longer until me and Odell were just on the same page.

"Can you check if my mom called me?" He asks me. I nod and get his phone because I know his mom is probably going crazy right now.

I unlock his phone and see his call log and messages. "She texted you, but she said to call her when you land." I say reading the text to Odell. I then stare at all of the get well soon messages and one caught my eye. It was Zendaya and I'm not going to click it because it's not my business but I want to ask Odell about it. I should because I thought he ended things with her but maybe he didn't or maybe she's just not understanding or honestly she might just want to know if he's okay.

"Alexis what's wrong?" He asks me snapping me out of a trance yet again. "Zendaya texted you.." I say slowly. "Okay, I can explain that.." he says quickly. "Okay what?" I ask. "So I'm not cheating on you, I promise, I'm never making that mistake again, but I did reach out to her to apologize for this situation. I know you might not get it or like it but she didn't ask for this, it wasn't her fault, and honestly she's a great person. She didn't deserve what I did to her; I know you didn't either...but she really didn't. She did find it in her heart to forgive me and that goes back to the fact that she's an amazing girl, but I guess we could be called friends. I probably should of told you but I promise you I am not cheating on you again." He says. A few different emotions come over me after hearing his little speech but for some reason I believe him, or at least I want to. Maybe because he's injured or maybe because I don't want to be hurt again...one or the other or both.

"Odell...okay, I respect that...it kind of bothers me but I respect it." I respond. "I just would feel more comfortable if you guys weren't friends because Odell you worship the ground she walks on, and I just can't be that for you so I feel like you might fall back in her temptation and I just don't want to lose you. I know I can't ask you for that but this is how I feel." I respond. "I know you didn't ask me my opinion by the way.." I insert quietly.

"Alexis, you have it all wrong. You are the only woman I worship, I'm so in love with you that only you can fill the position that you have in my life, I know you don't believe me because of who I am, but I am in love...you are it. You are the only woman that can hold this much weight in my life and I just can't not be with you...it doesn't work. So if you want me to never talk to her again fine, but in my heart you have no competition." He says to me. I'm kind of tired of these long speeches because it makes everything so dramatic, I think I believe him but I'm not sure yet.

"So okay, we can talk about this later. How about you just take a nap...you know and maybe when you wake up we will be back home." I respond. "I don't want to get back home, I don't want surgery." He says. "Baby you need it." I respond. He nods.

I move closer to Odell and he lays his head on my lap, I play with his hair for a while until he falls asleep. Odell leaned against my pregnant belly, maybe trying to feel our newest addition.

I keep still mostly because I was lost in my own thoughts. About me, about Odell, about our love and everything in between. I know that some people will say that it's not possible for him to love me but I believe he does and that's all that matters.

———

When we arrived back to New York they decided to take him into surgery now to not do further damage to his foot. I called Ayesha to check in my babies but instead she told me that she sent Aaleeyah to take care of me in to hospital. I was planning on just being here by myself because Odell's mom is in Louisiana but Ayesha reminded me that I am very much pregnant and should not be under stressful situations.

I honestly did forget that I'm pregnant for a while, I was to wrapped up with Odell's situation that everything that I was feeling just stopped. I have a lot going on in my mind too, as I'm waiting for Odell I've begun to think about myself.

I haven't thought of myself in so long that it feels selfish, like I'm betraying everyone in my life for taking this one second to myself.

I've decided that before me and Odell can work out, we need to establish certain things. There are some changes that need to be made between us before we can continue our life together.

I've decided to not say anything until I know that Odell is better because I don't want to stress him out. It might sound dumb but I love Odell more then I love myself so making sure that he's okay is always my number one goal.