Miss Independent

92

Odell has called me so many times, however I cannot face him. I guess he thinks I'm okay because the only time I answer him is when he texts me to ask can he pick up our children. I usually reply with a quick answer. At least I try, I don't talk to him when he's around I usually run to the other room. This has been going on for about three weeks now...he's noticed what's going on because he keeps trying to talk to me about it, honestly I don't want to talk anymore.

Right now I'm working on myself, nobody knows this except me and my therapist but I'm depressed, not just using that term loosely but in all seriousness of the word. I knew I was, but having someone tell it to me made it more real. Sometimes I feel numb to everything, I don't want to do anything because I don't see a point. Everything is stormy and gray except my children they are the little bits of light that peak through but as soon as I'm back alone the dark clouds come back. I've done my best to put up a front for everyone because I don't want to seem weak, I don't see anyone else breaking down because of a man...

This isn't normal what I'm feeling, I think I'm obsessed with Odell because I feel like I lost myself when we split. I think what topped it all off for me was that awful night...the pleasure...even though I was seriously begging him to stop...I don't know how to feel about it. It was the best sex I've had that I can remember, however it was the most emotionally painful experience I've been through, and I've been raped, I've had two miscarriages, and I lost my older sister. I now know that the only reason I was able to push through some of those things was because I had Odell, he was the light in my life, he made me feel better and now without him all this darkness and pain has invaded my life.

I'm going to be honest I cry a lot, I cry all the time, not in front of people but I cry at night when I'm in my room alone. All I do is cry...because I miss my husband...because I'm angry at him...because I'm angry at myself.

I've become very angry in these past two weeks, I've noticed myself lashing out quite a few times now and it's just how things are. I think all these emotions are making my physically sick because I've felt uneasy, I think I'm dehydrated, maybe the depression? I don't know.

What I do know is that tonight I'm going out with Jarvis, we are going to an opening of a club kind of thing. We are the special guests and we're excited, it's the first time I've been out of the house besides to necessities. Odell took the kids tonight because Jarvis told him too, I think Odell wants me to get out because he's heard from our friends how out of it I am.

I didn't really dress up, I stayed in the outfit I was in and I was excited to do this hosting with him. People were recording for a news channel and I think the environment was a breath of fresh air for me.

Jarvis kept trying to cheer me up all night and it was working, however he thinks that I didn't notice him texting Odell every so often. He's being a friend to Odell and I can't even be mad about it.

"Hey funny seeing you here.." I hear a voice belonging to Tabatha, the woman that made me crash my car. I look up and notice that she wasn't talking to me she was talking to Jarvis.

"Hey." Jarvis replies. "Oh hey Lex.." she says trying to be shady by pretending she didn't see me. "Where's Odell? Or are you moving on to Jarvis? I mean he's cute too but he don't seem like your type." She says to me. "This conversation ain't my type either." I reply. "You know what is your type? Rich niggas, you already popped out like 10 babies might as well pop one for Jarvis while you're at it, get all the child support checks.." she says. "I'm just going to pretend that I don't see you standing here because I don't know why your talking to me." I reply calmly. "Oh honey but you do see me.." she says in here annoying screechy voice.

"Aw shit." Jarvis says. I look over and see what he's looking at. He's looking at his ex Tia, Christian's baby mother and the mother Jarvis's first child. She's a bitter person...she hates everything about us. She walks up to us and my jaw drops when her and Tabatha hug. I guess mad bitches do link up.