Miss Independent

85

When I walked in to our baby's private room in the hospital I found Alexis on a chair with her head down on the incubator. I know she's asleep because she didn't look up to see who just walked in plus she has her head down.

I look over at Cater and she's still got a bunch of tubes hooked up to her and she's still kind of pink and her skin is kind of thin but she is beautiful to me nonetheless. We haven't been able to carry her for fear of infection however they have let Alexis stick her hand in the incubator and touch her.

Alexis starts to wake up, probably noticing my presence. She looks up at me and rubs her eyes sleepily. I know she slept here and I know she's upset because of her demeanor. I know this girl better than I know myself so I can tell what's going on with her at this moment.

"Were you here all night?" I ask her. She nods. I didn't know what to say because I can't be mad at her for staying with our daughter but come on now...I want to know where my wife is I want to know that she is okay and it's a bit hard with her behavior.

"How are they?" She asks referring to the kids. "They were asleep when I left." I reply. "Odell they can't wake up alone.." she says. "Gina is there and I only been out for a few hours looking for you...I was worried sick man.." I say.

"I spent the night because I came her to clear my head, but when I got here they told me that they had just gotten some results back and that she has a blood stream infection, well Sepsis, because remember how we said her belly looked a little weird? Well it was swelling from the infection, and she just had a really tough night. She wouldn't take the bottle so they had to go back to only feeding her with the tube. Then her heart rate kept going up and down and every few minutes a doctor would come in to check on her. She finally was able to be stable and fall asleep.." Alexis says. I feel my heart rate speed up because I'm angry that no one told me that my daughter condition keeps getting worse. I'm also extremely upset that I don't have a healthy baby and that my baby has to go through this.

"Why didn't you call me?" I ask her. "I don't know, I kind of blew up on you when I ran out and I didn't know what to say, Odell I was scared...all night I didn't sleep because I was scared that if I wake up she might be gone. I was so scared.." she says as she begins to cry. Alexis has been doing a lot of crying but it's okay. She can cry as much as she wants because I know how hard this is for her.

"Lexi come here.." I say to her. She gets up and I pull her into a tight hug. "It's not fair.." she sobs into my chest.

"I know it's not, but we going make the best of it, Carter is going to be fine, you just gotta believe it all this negativity and tears aren't helping." I say to her.

She nods and starts to wipe her tears. I slowly release her and her face is puffy from crying. "I'm sorry Odell.." she says. I get scared because usually when someone starts off a sentence like that nothing good follows.

"I just haven't been good to you and I know that, I've been acting crazy, I just don't feel right, I feel like I don't know if I love you, I don't know why we are even together...like I do love you but I just don't know.." she says and I can't even begin to explain how confused I am. I can't fathom words to say anything because Alexis is talking crazy right now.

"Alexis...what are you trying to say? You can't leave me Lex.." I say but I don't want to say anymore because Alexis is just having a moment and I don't want to stress her out because I know for a fact that she loves me. There is no way she doesn't we've been together to long for her to just say she doesn't know. She gave birth to two of our children and they were both conceived out of love.

"Stop I'm not leaving you...I'm just telling you what I feel.." she says. "I just hate everything, I'm just mad at myself honestly." She says.

"I hate myself...it's just I don't know anymore Odell, like I'm not a good mother, I can't carry a child to full term, I've lost two babies, and I have one fighting for her life, I can't even hold my child because I wasn't able to keep her strong enough to function without machines! I'm obviously not a good wife because you were out looking for someone else, and I don't deserve you...or our amazing children...I just can't seem to do anything right..." she sobs silently. I can't bear to hear her talk like this about herself, she's so amazing and she doesn't see it. This hurts me because she doesn't think she's up to people's standards.

"Now that all that bullshit is out, I'm going pretend you ain't just talk down on the most amazing person I know, I know you ain't talking about my wife? My beautiful wife, mother of my children all who think she superwoman by the way. Alexis you cannot say this shit about yourself because only you think that and I don't like that shit, babe you know you are the this beautiful amazing woman that I can't live without like without you I'm nothing? You think that's not being amazing? Alexis you can't keep saying this shit." I say. She nods and doesn't say anything.

"Now back to what really matters how's Carter?" I ask Alexis. "Well a doctor told me she's going to be fine, a few months in here but she'll be fine.." Alexis trails off. I know it hurts her that we can't take her home but we know that it's for Carter's health that we can't take her.

"So how'd Kenzie sleep? Is she not having nightmares anymore?" Alexis asks me. "She stopped a few days ago, I'm not sure though..." I reply. Alexis nods.

"How about Ava she slept all night right?" Alexis asks me. "Of course she did, she only wakes up when she doesn't feel well.." I reply. "How about Sonny is he okay?" She asks. And I feel like she's just going through a checklist of all of them to make sure that all of our babies are okay.

"He's fine, everyone is fine." I reply. "It's just its not fair that I'm here with Carter because we have three other children but we can't leave Carter.." she says. "Lex calm down they understand, they know their little sister is in the hospital so don't think they upset or mad because they not, they want Carter to be okay." I say.

"Okay.." she replies. "Let's spent some time with Carter then can we head home please?" I ask her. She nods. I put my arm around her and I pull her close and I kiss her forehead.

"Everything is going be alright.." I say to her.