Extras🎬

Xan Coming Out <3 *His POV*

A/N - sobbing, sobbing, sobbing 🥹🥹🥹

~~~

Xander

I'd never been more scared in my fucking life.

To do what I was about to do, say what I was about to say...I was completely terrified.

School today had consisted of me worrying constantly, yet I didn't know why I'd woken up and chosen today as the day to come out to my family, it just felt right.

And wrong.

And fucking scary.

I'd been pacing my bedroom ever since we'd gotten home, trying to psych myself up to go down there and just fucking do it; but it was like I was trapped in here. I didn't want to see their faces after I said it, convinced I'd be looking right back at nothing but disappointment, and definitely didn't want Zane to kick me out or some shit.

But after keeping this between Xav and I- and recently our sister who couldn't have found out in a worse way, I knew it finally needed to happen. I wondered if having Isabella home had something to do with my readiness to come out, I'd found a friend in my little sister and having her under this roof had made us all feel complete.

Listen to me sounding all sappy and shit.

"Just go down there, and fucking say it", I muttered to myself, reaching for the handle with a trembling hand, I could always say 'I'm gay' and just flee the premises until the middle of the night.

Something told me that wouldn't go down well though.

I yanked on my door handle and exited the room, finding myself knocking on my sister's door a second later. She opened it and I all but barged in, making sure the door was shut behind me before I faced her and raked a hand through my hair- was it shit if I just made her say it on my behalf?

"I'm gonna tell them, now", even saying that aloud slapped the reality into me, this was actually happening. Isabella's face lit up, a huge smile spreading across her cheeks as if I'd just told her we were going on holiday.

At least she was finding this fun.

"Yeah?", her smile widened, if that was even possible, "want me to be there with you?". I could've asked Xav to do this with me, stand there while I shit myself beside him and struggle to utter two words to our siblings, but Isabella's offer had me nodding in confirmation, my hands squeezed together as they shook.

"I don't think I can", the self-doubt returned full force and I moved back slightly- what was another year of hiding this from them?, "what if they hate me? I'd rather die than have them disappointed in me, what if-,".

"Hey, that's a lot of 'what ifs' - and I think you can", she thinks I can, "they love you Xander, we love you- and they'll love you for who you choose to love too". I fucking hoped she was right, because I was putting my sanity on the line for this.

I refused to have them look at me any differently because of this- especially Zane. I'd let our oldest brother down more than anyone, and I hated myself a little more each time he looked at me in disappointment, I don't think I'd survive if he looked at me that way for this.

"Okay", I barely even recognised my own quiet voice, "I feel sick".

"You're nervous", pointing out the obvious or what?

"Yeah no fucking shit", I scowled at my sister and she chuckled, "okay, let's just do it". I was just about to do the one thing I'd been dreading for years on end, no biggie.

~

I backed out of the kitchen the second I saw the rest of our siblings in there.

And of course, my sister placed a hand on my chest and pushed me back in slightly, making me accept defeat and turn back around.