Saving Myself (Law and Order)

Chapter 119♡

(Amanda's P.O.V)

The girls were colouring in some pictures for us. As I sat with Jessie, she asked me a question. "Mommy, can we go and see a boat today? Me and Billie would love to see the ducks." I said that sounded like a great idea. "We can always take some pictures as well."

Billie then spoke about Christmas. "Will we spend it with all of our family?' I thought about it. 'We might do." As they finished, I told them to go and get ready for a shower. "I'll be in soon." Carisi then held my hand. "It looks like Billie is excited for Christmas." Jessie then metioned cookies. "We can decorate some when we go home Mommy." As they went into the bathroom, Carisi took out their clothes. "Jessie likes those jeans." He laughed. "She's such a small little girl. She's just adorable." As I took out Billie's clothes, we heard them giggling. Going in the bathroom, they were both splashing water on each other. "Hey you cheeky monkeys!" Giving them a kiss on their foreheads, I helped them. "I love you too so much.' They giggled as I washed them. "Mommy?" Billie looked at me. "Yes sweetie?" She then asked me a question. "Will Carisi in our lives forever?' Drying them both with a towel, I answered her question. "Yes. He will be. He loves you both. Very much.'

As they put on their clothes, I jumped into the shower. Carisi must of been texting the guys again. He must be planning something.. letting the water run over my body, I just smiled. Life was good for me and my daughters right now. I just had this vision of us also adopting a boy. Carisi would adore it. I was thinking more about a teenager. Once we'd got through the process with Jessie and Billie, maybe things would be easier. "Amanda?' I washed my face then I turned off the shower. "Yes Carisi?" He knocked on the bathroom door. "I've managed to get some things sorted. Billie and Jessie are all ready to go out now."

(Ariel's P.O.V)

Sitting in the car, Dr Green looked at me. We were at the rehab facility. I was scared. 
As we got out, he handed me my suitcase with my backpack. As we went inside, I saw some other young people. Heading to my room, I put my stuff on the bed. I wanted to get out of here. Laying down, Dr Green said that he would like to talk to me at some point. "About what? How much I use?" I wanted to punch something. "Just go away.." As the door closed, I looked in my backpack. I had secretly placed a sharp pin in there. If I wasn't going to be using, I'd just harm instead. Looking at the pin, I striked it across my arm. Wincing, I kept doing it.. I felt numb. The pain was still there. Opening my room door, I checked to see if any staff members were about. Heading to the bathroom, I got some tissue. Wrapping it around my arm, I saw a nurse. "Did you need someone to talk to?" I looked up at her. "No. I'll be fine. Thanks." Walking to my room, I just cried.. Did Dr Green really want to help me? I just hated Mom and Dad..

"Anyone.. please send me anyone. Lord, is there anyone?"

It was about 3pm when Dr Green came back to see me. "Ariel? Is everything ok?" I felt anger rage inside me. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?!" He advised me to just breathe.. "I'd like you to just close your eyes for me.." As I followed his instructions, he asked me a few questions. "You were sober for 7 months.. is that correct?" I nodded. "What happened before you met your mom and dad?' I tried to stay calm. "I was taken advantage of by an older guy." I could feel myself wanting to explode.. "I can see that you've harmed. Is that another way of coping for you?" I opened my eyes.. tears spilled down my cheeks. "I've never done it before. I'm a mess. And I'm still broken. My old mom just left me in the place we lived in. Then, random guys would sweet talk me into being intimate with them. I didn't want to do it. They'd take advantage of me." Dr Green said that I was dealing with the fact that I had felt abandoned at such a tender age. "You're used to looking after yourself. Am I right?" I slowly nodded my head. "Yes I am. So, when Elliot and Olivia got to know me, I was off and defensive. I didn't mean to be like that with them." I just cried. "I just don't know how to be like that. Yes, I was seeing a therapist for a while, but I just want to keep using. I know that I can't. Mom and Dad put me here!" I felt panic rise inside of me.. "Ariel.. you're safe. Breathe. In and out.. for me. In and out." All I could hear was Dr Green's voice.

"Has that happened before?" I shook my head. "I've never had a panic attack. Will you please help me?" Dr Green ressaured me. "You will become better. I promise. But, you have to co operate. It won't be easy, but you'll be ok. The team including me will be here to help you."

I looked at the view outside. "We can get you started with some art therapy tomorrow if you like?" I said that sounded good. "I'll talk to Elissa. I'll let you get ready and then you can rest." I thanked him. Getting my night clothes out, I went to the bathroom. I thought about my lovely boyfriend. Would he still even like me? I had to get better for my two siblings as well. I already missed Caleb babbling and hearing Paige talking about her favourite tv show. I missed Ria as well.

As I showered, I let the tears fall. I wanted to get clean. For good. Letting the water drop on my skin, I saw the blood in the shower. Hurting my own skin helped my pain. It just released everything. Tomorrow was the start of my long recovery.

Will I be ok?