"I'd like to go in a separate room please." Clare took me to one. As I sat down, the pen just moved as I wrote..
Dear Dad,
I know that I'm not excatly squeaky clean. I had that cigarette because I was worried about you. Seeing you in hospital wasn't a nice sight. I know that I'm your little girl. Just like Paige. We should both work on things. I love you. I feel like you're disappointed in me. Why can't I just forget my trauma? Maybe I am too messed up to really be fixed. I need you Dad. I need you to tell me that everything will be ok. Can I really get through this? I'm frightened of relapsing. I always feel like packing up and running. That's the honest truth. I'm not going to get any better. I may as well quit whilist I'm ahead. I'm saving you, Mom, Paige and Caleb the pain. Just let me go. I love you.
From,
Ariel. Xx
As I went back into the room, Dad had just finished writing his letter. "Would you like to share it with us sweetheart?" I shook my head. "No. I'd like to head home." Clare asked what was wrong. "Nothing. I would just like to go home." I need to get out of here. I'm spiralling.. I don't have anything to numb my pain. Wait.. I have my tablets...
"Ariel?" Dad could see that my eyes were glassy. "Yeah?" He stood up with Claire. It felt like the room was closing in on me. "Back away.. or I'll use these." I took out my medication. "Ariel.. sweetheart. Listen to me, you're in a safe space. Me and your mom just want to take care of you. Be honest.. what do you wanna do?" I clenched the tablet box. "I want a drink! I want drugs! Oh.. even better, I'll have a knife too!" Dad tried to place his hand on mine.. "Don't touch me!" As I went towards the door, he followed me with Clare. "Ariel. You can talk to me." Clare didn't understand.. I couldn't stand relieving my tramua anymore.
I was defensive and just sick of this.. Clare stood in front of me. Dad took his phone out. "Don't you dare call Mom! I'm leaving wether you like it or not Dad!" He tried to reach for my hand.. "Just come back inside.. Ariel. I love you." Shaking my head, I let the tears fall.. "Do you? Do you really? I feel worthless." As I lashed out, I just fought against him as I felt his arms encase me. He was using a therapeutic restraint. "LET ME GO DAD! I WANT MY DRUGS! LET ME GO!" Dad then instructed Clare to ring Olivia. "NO! What did I say? I don't want Mom!"
Dad was outside in the hallway with me. "I'm not letting go until you calm down." I was resisting the urge to kick him right now. "Your partner is on her way now." Clare told dad. Why? I just wanna go!
"All I want is a drink. A ciagrette. Is that too much to ask?' I was angry. "Ari. Honey, listen to me." I turned to look at him. "We can't have you opting for these choices. Alcohol makes you poorly honey. You're using this as a crutch. What about your journal?' I didn't say anything..
"You read it once.. don't you remember?" He still didn't let go. "Your mom is here now Ariel." Sitting in the hallway.. Dad placed one hand on my shoulder. "Can I have drugs instead? I fancy white powder." He stroked my cheek. I then saw Mom walking towards me. She kneeled down. "It's.. my mom.." She touched my cheek. Her hands felt soft. "Sweetheart. Talk to us." Clare gave us some privacy.
"I had an outburst. Do you know what those are?' She agreed. "Well, I had one. Did a few of those.. deep breaths. Now, I wanna go. Dad here won't let me get a drink. He says I'm using it as a crutch." Mom then looked at Dad. "Ariel, sweetheart. We want you to heal from this. You're making so much progress. We all love you so much." Did they though?
Really?
.....
"I would like to just leave. I've got money. I'm leaving." Getting released from Dad, I stood up. Putting my backpack on my back, I stormed outside. "ARIEL! ARIEL!" Mom and Dad both chased me outside into the car park. "JUST GO AWAY! CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE?!" Mom saw tears streaming down my cheeks. "Ariel. Come here." Dad reached for me as I cried even more. "Please.. let me leave. I need my crutch. I need alcohol. I need drugs. I need a ciagrette."
Dad and Mom both cuddled me as I sat in the car park.. I'm damaged and I know it.
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