Bucky Barnes One Shots - EDITING

156. Truth

Sad, TFATWS Bucko

Word Count: 1160

For the last few days, Bucky had been writing in the little book that Steve had given him before he left

But not about things he missed while he was frozen - the people he had killed as the Winter Soldier

The length of the list made him realise how difficult it was going to be to tell their loved ones the truth

He knew people would be upset and angry at him, but he also knew that some would be relieved and thankful for him finally revealing how they died after they had been living in mystery for so long

You weren't aware of this list, and being his girlfriend, he didn't want you to know about it yet

That's why he was stood outside the door to the room the two of you shared, the sound of his own heavy breathing filled his ears

Bucky knew that he was doing the right thing, but it was killing him inside for every second he left it, as his heart was telling him not to do it, but he knew that you had to know

Every fiber of his being was telling him not to knock on your door and to just walk away, but he had made his decision

So, he tried to compose himself before raising his metal hand and hesitantly knocking quietly on your door

As soon as he did it, he regretted it, so he looked down, held his hands behind his back, bounced nervously on his feet, and puffed out his cheeks as he let out a deep breath

When the door opened, he didn't look up at you- he couldn't look at your smiling face drop into sadness

He didn't want to let you down - he had known you for so long, and this was going to ruin everything, the incredible relationship he had with you would break, you would distance yourself from him, and he was certain that you would break up with him

He desperately didn't want to do this, but he knew he had to, it was the right thing to do, and Bucky had been trying so hard to always do the right thing after he was freed from Hydra in Wakanda

"Hey, what's wrong, Buck?" You asked him with a reassuring smile, lifting his head up so you could see him

At this, he panicked slightly and moved his head away from you and out of your hold, making you furrow your eyebrows and go serious - he had never done this before, so you knew that there was something very wrong

He looked as though he was about to say something, but he just shook his head and mumbled "Nothing, I-I don't know why I'm here, I'm sorry"

With that, he left, but you didn't move

All you did was say a soft "James", and he instantly stopped walking

The calm tone of your voice made everything worse, as he knew that there was no easy was of doing this

When you saw him stop, you walked up to him and hugged him from behind, but this just made him close his eyes and swallow the lump in his throat, before taking a shaky breath in and muttering quietly "Y/N, please let go of me"

You immediately replied with "I will when you tell me what's wrong"

From his reaction to your hug, you held him tighter and did your best to kiss the back of his neck in an attempt to calm him down a bit

This didn't work though, as he resorted to begging you to move away from him "Please..." he whispered, tears in his eyes threatening to fall

At that, you loosened your hold again, as you asked "Why?"

"You're making it more difficult" he answered ever so slightly louder, and you let go of him, very concerned - you were normally able to relax him, but now, you were making him more tense and nervous

You spun him around, but he still didn't look at you "James, what's going on" you asked in a firmer tone as your voice got louder, and his normal hand started trembling, which of course, you noticed

You wanted more than ever to hold it and physically comfort him, but he had asked you to not try, so you didn't

"Okay, you have every right to be angry and upset with me, but I have to tell you the truth. I have to, I've left it long enough and you should've known years ago" he said, raising his head slightly, but not making eye contact with you

After a few seconds, he cleared his throat and finally looked up at your face, as the words "It was me" left his mouth in a quick breath

This just made you furrow your eyebrows and shake your head slightly, but you wanted to hold his hand and his face to try and calm him down and reassure him "What?"

"You've been trying to find out who killed your family" he answered, but paused to inhale shakily, before he continued, his voice breaking "It was me"

When Bucky remembered that he was the one who made your family spend their last moments being murdered by him, he knew that you had to be the first on the list, and you were

You were the first, and you were the most difficult to admit to

Bucky had tried do tell you so many times over the years, but he could never do it, as the more in love with you he fell, the more scared he became of the truth

Not one of yours and his friends even knew that it was him- not even Steve or Sam, as he was just too afraid to confirm the truth

He remembered the fear within your family as he killed them one by one, he remembered their desperate last words, he remembered their screams, the terrible, gut-wrenching screams of terror and pain, and he remembered their faces

Every single one of them

He remembered all of them and they haunted him in his sleep, as he knew exactly who they were when he did it - he knew they were close to you, but there was nothing he could do

He was looking between your eyes after he finished speaking, fear filling his own, just like your family's did when they saw him

"Bucky... " You spoke after a while, stepping closer to him, as you placed your hand gently on his metal shoulder

His breath hitched quietly, as he excepted your hand to come into contact with his face, but you did something much more terrifying to him

You laughed

He was obviously very confused, so he shook his head and furrowed his eyebrows

You learned into his face and wore a smirk, your hand still on his chest, before you whispered

"I was wondering when you'd say that..."