Marvel Imagines, Preferences, One Shots etc. II

Bucky Barnes- Nightmares (c)

  9. "It doesn't matter, I'm not leaving you."  

When you started dating Bucky, you understood the troubles and issues you'd have to endure and conquer in the relationship; that didn't change how you perceived and cared for him. He had been through hell and back, and you could never imagine the pain he had felt; still felt and you couldn't understand how he could still act so strong.

As you started your relationship, that strength you saw soon became a façade. The shaky, terrified man you had witnessed when he first arrived has blossomed into a relatively sociable and friendly man. Behind closed doors it wasn't the same.

Generally he was fine. He said having you there helped to keep normality, to keep a routine. However any slight form of trigger seemed to break the hard exterior he tried hardest to build.

It was mainly at night due to nightmares or if you left him to his own thoughts for too long.

In the middle of the night you woke up to the sound of your partner's sobs and heavy unregulated breathing. You reached across to the bedside cabinet to grab your glasses and flick on the lamp. Placing your glasses on your face, allowing your eyes to adjust to the painful beams of light you turned to the brunet man next to you.

He was sat slouched over in the bed with his hands gripping to the sheets with no sign of letting go. The knuckles of his right hand were white with pressure from his merciless grip on the fabric strewn across the pair of you.

Hesitantly you rested a hand onto his shoulder. He jumped slightly turning his attention to you. His eyes were filled with undeniable fear; it was an expression that seemed so unlike the man you love but had become all too family, but it dissipated as his eyes locked to yours.

"You're okay. Did you have another nightmare?" You asked softly, trying to show your concern on your face, but due to the tiredness you were experiencing it was hard to show it all sincerely.

"Go back to sleep," he stated gruffly. "I'm fine."

You let out a barely audible laugh as you rest your palm to his sweat covered cheek. He leaned his face into your hand as he did whenever you made him hold your gaze like this.

"Clearly we have a different definition of 'fine'. I know I don't know what you have been through but I love you Buck. I want to help, but I can't unless you help me understand. I understand if you don't want to tell me about the nightmares but I still want to help you. Just tell me how, and I'll do it. I'd do anything for you," you smiled, rubbing your thumb gently against the skin of his cheek.

He took another shaky breath, resting his clammy hand over the top of yours securing it to his face.

"You... you need to leave."

You tilted your head slightly, confused as to why he'd suggest such a bizarre concept however it wasn't as hard to image as it first seemed.

"Do you honestly want that? Because I certainly don't, and I'm pretty certain you don't either so I'd like to know why you are suggesting such a preposterous thing."

"I don't want to hurt you Y/N. I can't give you everything you deserve. I wake you up every night as I have no control over my own mind. What if I lost control of my actions rather than just my thoughts? It's happened before, why wouldn't it happen again? It's not safe for you. I love you, but I can't do that to you. You deserve better. I'm already ruining Steve's life, I can't do the same to you," he whispered.

A tear fell against your fingers, so you gently brushed it aside.

"It doesn't matter, I'm not leaving you," you responded at the same weak volume.

"Y/N-"

You cut off his words not wanting him to argue for something you knew he didn't want, but his morals were running a lot stronger than they should due to the lack of use of them for such a long time.

"No. Listen to me for a moment," you stated firmly but not forcefully. "I love you Bucky. I always have. We are very different people but it is a pleasure to be able to be held in your arms, granted you're old enough to be my grandfather but I do overlook that other than when Tony mentions it constantly. However that isn't the point. When we first met Steve confided in me with as many details as he could about you. It didn't change my opinion of you, and then when I found out you requited my feelings I knew it would never be easy. Easy is boring.

"Yes, it'd be easier if I was with someone who wasn't haunted by their demons. Yes, I would get more than three hours sleep a night if I'm lucky. But I wouldn't change you for the world. I hate seeing you like this, in pain, fearful and vulnerable, however I'm glad I can help you. Leaving you like this isn't going to help anyone. If that is what you truly want though, I'll go. I'll leave now and you never need to see me again. Just know I love you and I will always be here for you."

He hesitated for a moment not knowing what to do. He knew your feelings, you'd made them clear, but you somehow always managed to take his breath away whenever you told him how much you cared.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered meaning his head slightly to press a kiss to your palm.

"No you don't," you said. "You deserve so much better. Sadly, I'm all you've got at the moment."

He moved your hand from his cheek, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you back down onto the mattress to hold you in his embrace. He took off your glasses putting them back on your small cupboard, switching off the light.

Bucky leaned down and pecked your forehead, holding you to his chest.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," you smiled weakly.

As you both began to drift off you let your smile grow a little more.

"And you haven't ruined Steve's life. He loves you, and you weren't there to listen to him talk about you. Honestly when we first met it was like we were old friends from the amount he told me about you. You coming back was the best thing that ever happened to him," you said softly before allowing yourself to fall back to sleep. 

~*~

Written by Charlotte.