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I took what felt like my hundredth deep breath as I ran my hands over my face. I sat on the bed in the bedroom of our shared apartment as he leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the room.
I had no idea how we had gotten to this point. Everything with Nolan was always fun, always light and always full of love. Lately though, it seemed that it had been nothing but stress, fighting and tears...and I had no idea when everything switched.
To make matters worse, I didn't even know what we were fighting about this time. I only slightly remember talking about something he was supposed to do but didn't.
"Look Y/N, I'm sorry. I messed up" he started, taking a breath of his own.
"You've been saying that a lot lately. Every time you say it I believe you a little less" I dropped my hands to my knees letting my head fall.
"I mean it. I don't know what else to say" he said softly.
"That's just it Nolan, you should know what to say. You should have something to say" I whipped my head to look at him.
"I said I was sorry" He said barely above a whisper.
"At what point is sorry just...not enough anymore?" I swallowed hard.
His face fell.
He knew things between us weren't like they used to be, you could tell from just the look on his face alone that he knew that very well. I knew in my heart something needed to be done, something needed to be fixed and if we didn't figure it out soon...it would ultimately end us.
"What do you want from me Y/N? I can't constantly keep saying I'm sorry, half the time I don't even know what I'm sorry for except that I upset you" he explained.
"And I don't know what you want from me anymore" I said sadly, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. "I don't even feel like your girlfriend anymore...some days I don't even feel like your friend anymore" I trailed off as my eyes left him.
"Is that really how you feel?" His voice cracked when he spoke.
Normally I loved his voice, the deepness of it sending a certain chill down my spine. But this, this was not how I liked to hear his voice. Dripping with hurt and laced with uncertainty.
"Yeah" I answered honestly. "I don't know when things changed Nolan, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Am I wrong?" I looked up at him with wide eyes.
"You're not wrong" he said quietly looking away from me. "You're not wrong at all"
"I don't know what else to do" I spoke with my eyes still on him as he kept his stare on the ground.
"I think the only answer is obvious at this point" he said still not looking up at me.
I could see the internal battle on his face. Whatever he was about to do wasn't an easy decision for him.
He pulled himself off the wall and moved to the door. My insides heated up and I could almost feel the anxiety on my skin. I knew things weren't good, and I knew something had to change but not an ounce of me wanted him to leave.
"You're not leaving are you?" I said quickly, feeling the panic rise.
Nolan stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to face me slowly.
"Of course not" he moved the rest of the way to the door, pulling it closed and turning the lock. "I would never leave you, not that easily...how could you think that? We're going to stay in here until we can figure out where it went wrong. Where we went wrong"
"We are?" I asked questioningly.
"I told you, I think the answer is obvious...that's if you want to" he moved to sit on the bed next to me.
"Of course I do" I said softly.
"I know we can't just turn back the clocks and start over from where things seemed to change, believe me if we could I would have already done it. We can't turn back time Y/N, but we can change what we can now and learn from our mistakes" he took my hand in his.
"Will it always hurt this much?" I looked up at him.
"Probably not. But that hurt? That's a good thing" he slightly smiled.
"How in the world is that a good thing?" I almost wanted to laugh.
"If it hurts, that means there's still a chance. It's when the hurt stops, that's when we're in trouble" he brought his hands to each side of my face.
"I didn't know you could be so deep" I giggled lightly causing a slight smile to break out on his face.
"I guess it just happens sometimes" he breathed a laugh.
"So if it hurts, we have a chance at making things right and getting them close to back to where they used to be? There's been a lot of hurt recently Nols, I think we might have a fighting chance at this" I looked up at him with wide eyes.
"What do you say? Let's fix this?" He looked into my eyes expectantly.
"Let's fix this" I smiled taking a breath of relief.
He pulled my face to him and gave me a gentle kiss.
We both knew it wouldn't be easy and we both knew it wouldn't be quick, but we also both knew that what we had was definitely worth fighting for. Nolan was right, the answer was obvious. No matter what it took, we had to fix it.
