I paced back and forth waiting for Josh to return home. I looked over the things in his place wanting to remember the place that I thought would be not only my home for the rest of my life, but my home with Josh for the rest of my life. I wanted to remember everything just in case our conversation went south.
"Maybe one day Josh and I will go there, it sounds nice" I finished my laughter from hearing Cat, Tyler Toffoli's wife's, story. "Maybe on our honeymoon" I smiled taking a drink of my drink, smiling to myself at the thought.
"Honeymoon?" She asked with a confused tone as she took a drink of her own drink.
"Maybe, I mean it might be a nice honeymoon" I shrugged.
"I didn't think you guys were that serious" she giggled laying her drink down.
"Hmm?" I asked curiously, unsure of what she could mean.
"Well, just, I don't know Tyler told me Josh said it was just a fling. That he didn't see it ending in wedding bells from the way he talked and that I shouldn't get too attached to you. I thought you guys just had a casual thing" she looked at me sympathetically...my face had to have fallen, my whole body had to have fallen.
"He doesn't see a future?" I said softly to myself.
"You know, maybe Tyler got it wrong. He doesn't tend to listen very well" she laughed lightly placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey" Josh said opening the door and pulling me from my thoughts of my lunch with Cat. "This is a surprise" he smiled walking towards me and giving me a quick kiss. "I thought you had lunch with Cat today?"
"I did, I just finished" I smiled slightly. "We kind of had an interesting conversation"
"Oh yeah, did you have fun?" He asked taking off his jacket.
"Yeah...I kind of had something I wanted to talk to you about actually though" I started slowly.
"Everything ok?" He asked concerned.
"How long have we been together?" I asked seriously.
"Almost a year, why love?" He set his keys down after taking off his jacket.
"I thought it was a great year together" I said cautiously.
"It was an amazing year babe" he shot me a smile.
"Did you tell Tyler you don't want to marry me?" I asked quickly.
"What?" He chuckled slightly.
"Did you tell Tyler anything that would make him tell Cat not to get attached to me? Like that you don't see yourself marrying me?" I crossed my arms.
"Well I mean, he asked when I was going to propose" he said slowly.
"And you told him?" I pushed on trying to get him to go on.
"I told him...I told him I didn't think that was our thing" his face told me he was hesitant to admit it.
"Because you don't see yourself marrying me" I stated.
"I thought this was fun, something that didn't have to be serious. More casual I guess." He gave a little shrug.
"Well that answers my question then" I took a deep breath. "I think our fun is over, Josh. I have to go" I made a move for the door.
"No, Y/N, stop. Don't go" he gently grabbed my arm, making me stop and turn to face him.
"Josh, it's been a year. If you don't want to marry me now, you won't want to marry me period...and I can't keep putting all I have into something that's going nowhere" I explained sadly.
"Just please. Don't go" he pleaded.
"Give me one good reason to stay" I said softly, making sure to keep my eyes locked on him.
"I love you" he moved closer to me and took my hands in his.
"I love you too" I looked at him sadly.
"That's just not enough anymore is it?" He swallowed hard.
"It's been almost a year, Josh. I'm sorry but... no, I just don't think it is enough anymore" I trailed off as any other words that might come out of my mouth were lost in the emotion eating at me.
He bit his lip nervously. I knew by the look on his face that he was having just as hard of a time putting his words together as I was.
"So...what do we do now?" His eyes looked over mine as if he was trying to remember everything that was good about us, about our time together. I didn't blame him, I was doing the same.
"I guess we...move on. Continue with life" I suggested softly.
"Move on" he let out a breath. "You make it sound so simple" I could see the tears welling in his eyes.
"It doesn't have to be hard, we'll always have the good. If this wasn't ever going to make it to the end, we owe it to ourselves to not waste each other's time"
"I'd waste my whole life with you" he spoke through the small set of tears that were starting to stain his face.
I smiled sadly placing my hand on his cheek gently and rubbing away the tears that were rolling down his face.
"That's just it Josh, to you this is casual and you might be willing to waste your life on me but I'm not willing to let you waste your whole life on someone you can't see yourself marrying. Was Tyler wrong?" He didn't answer me, his eyes found mine again and in that moment they told me all I needed to know.
"So we just, move on?" He choked out.
I could tell his tears were getting harder for him to control and the more he lost control, the closer I was becoming to losing control as well.
I rubbed my thumb over his cheek gently once again, feeling the wetness of his tears being spread across his face. I brought my face to his slowly and kissed his lips softly for the last time. I took my time, wanting to savor the feeling of his lips against mine. A feeling I had grown to love so much, and a feeling I would forever miss.
I pulled away, my own tears making their way down my face. I looked into his eyes before my eyes wandered around his face.
I wanted to engrain every single little detail about him in my brain. I never wanted to forget him, I knew I would never be able to but I wanted to remember him fully...correctly. I didn't want to live with a fantasy version of him in my head. I only wanted Josh. The good, the bad, the happiness and the heartbreak.
"I will never love anyone as deeply as I love you, Josh. Which is why I think that's what's best for us. To move on. It will only hurt more later if we don't do it now. Give yourself a chance to find someone you can't picture not having as your wife, give me a chance to have someone who can't live without being my husband" I searched his eyes, completely unsure of what I was looking for.
"Are you absolutely sure?" He was barely able to get through his tears.
"As sure as you are" I swallowed hard.
He slowly wrapped me in a hug. I felt his heavy breathing as I squeezed him back. This whole situation was breaking my heart more than I thought it would.
"I love you" he said barely above a whisper.
"I love you too" I said with a sad smile patting his cheek with my palm before moving around him and out the door.
I closed the door and pressed my back to the hard surface. That was the moment I couldn't hold back all the emotion that came pouring out of me, the second I wasn't in Josh's presence.
My soul instantly felt the absence of Josh and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't ever going to be able to fill the void he left in my life.
I rubbed my hands down my face before pushing myself off the door and starting down the hall, taking one last glance at the door that separated me from everything I ever wanted or needed in life...everything I would never have again.
This one's for you love! truenorth55
(But salty you made me make Josh sad😭😂)
❤️🤍💙❤️🤍💙