RoadTrip boyxboy one shots

💔Please Help Me - Randy (Part 2)

trigger warning - mentions of depression, drug use, and suicidal thoughts

~~~

"Better off without them,
They're nothing but unstable,
Bring ashtrays to the table,
And that's about the only thing they share."

~~~

Rye's POV

I looked down at the joint in my hand and tried to calm my breathing. I can't believe I was pathetic enough to turn to the things that had just lost me the love of my life. But it's all I'd ever known. Drugs were all I'd ever known. At that point, I had no idea if I'd be able to survive without them.

I slipped my phone out from my pocket with shaky hands and searched for Andys contact through tear filled eyes. I needed one more go at making things right. I knew there was nothing more I could do but I had to try. I had to explain myself so that he knew I didn't want to choose drugs over him. I had to choose drugs over him. I needed to explain. I owed him that much.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't answer and I was forced to leave him a voicemail.

"Andy, it's me." I let out a dry laugh. "Stoned as usual."

I hadn't prepared myself to actually speak up about it all so I had no idea what I was going to say. But I decided to start with some meaningless honesty that actually meant a whole lot.

"I know you hate me. I hate myself so much." I took a deep breath, leaning back against the wall. I really did hate myself, and I know that's what all fucked up people like me say but I meant it. I hated myself so fucking much and I didn't blame him for turning his back on me. It's the least I deserved.

"I don't want to be in this place forever." I told him. "I can't. I won't last."

I was hesitant to tell him everything that was going through my messed up mind because it would've definitely scared him off. But I knew I had to be honest about some of it if I wanted any chance of getting him back. And I really needed him back. I was worthless without Andy. I needed saving and he was the only one who could save me.

"You see, there's this darkness inside me. This agonising pain like a brick wall of misery. And I don't know what it is but I can't get through it. It's not even about anything. But it's there, building itself up brick by brick. It causes a shadow over me. Over everything."

I looked down at the joint it my hand. It screamed at me, reminding me how stupid I was. Reminding me how I once again fucked up a good thing. Reminding me that I'll never escape. I feel by myself, but with the drugs I'm never alone. No matter how hard I tried, I could never seem to escape. Maybe this was how things were supposed to be. Maybe I wasn't born to be okay.

"And this stuff blocks it out for just a moment. But it's always there. The wall is always there and I'm not strong enough to break it down. It's tougher than me and it'll always win no matter how hard I try to break free. The wall is always there and I know it's going to crush me. It's all going to get too much to handle until one day I just give up. Unless you help me, Andy."

I let out a sob, falling to the floor in tears. The joint was long forgotten, having slipped from my grasp onto the cold, concrete floor. I didn't care about that. All I cared about was how my defences that I had built so securely over the years we're breaking apart and nobody actually cared. I was alone with my demons and nobody wanted to save me.

This whole messaged had been a waste of my breath but I still felt as though I hadn't said enough. So before I broke down completely, I managed to croak out a final three words. A hollow three words. An empty three words. Three words that were insignificant to anyone but myself, because in their eyes I wasn't worth saving. Three words that I spoke to the wind but hoped someone would hear me.

"Please help me."

a/n
totally not crying after today's episode of hollyoaks..... fuck you darren. only joking - i love him and kyle but i understand why he had to turn his back on kyle. i just feel so bad for him since he's got no one anymore.

also, not that any of you care but i genuinely think kyle is the one who dies at new years. just a theory. although i dunno why john paul would be crying. maybe he gets closer to jp or he wants to help him or something? who knows.

hope you enjoyed!

bye guys Xx