RoadTrip boyxboy one shots

my 2020

don't feel obliged to read all of this. go for it if you wanna know a bit about my life x

i don't really remember january/february. what i do remember, however, is that my mental health was at its all time lowest. i remember a particular day in november 2019 where i hit rock bottom. i can't remember what triggered it, but i wasn't feeling my greatest. it was a thursday or a friday. i remember fighting with a friend of a friend that wednesday. it wasn't a real fight. luciano and i lived to tease each other. i remember hating myself so much after that. i don't even know why. so on that thursday or friday, i was in a horrible mental state. it got too much for me and i broke down at lunch. i walked away from my friends and stood in the corner of the yard crying my eyes out all break. my girlfriend at the time told them not to check on me and that made it so much worse. she didn't even check on me. i spent my last lesson that i usually sat next to my girlfriend in working in a store cupboard cause i didn't want to be around people.

that was one of the worst days of my life.

my history teacher was making me miserable. he started targeting me and picking on me for no reason. i ran out crying most of his lessons. he made my anxiety so bad that i couldn't handle being in his lessons anymore. i remember one day he made me that upset that i cried the whole way throughout break and then ran out of my next lesson cause i couldn't breathe. it was usually science that i walked out of. my chemistry teacher was the only one i trusted besides my english teacher. she understood my mental state when no other teachers cared enough to ask.

my second to last week of high school before lockdown was one of the trickiest weeks. the saturday before was amazing. i went with my girlfriend to watch one of her horse riding lessons and we had a really good day (kissing and holding hands on the bus and all that jazz). i haven't spoken one word to her since that day. the monday after was confusing. i had a headache so i didn't start a conversation with her and she didn't ask me if i was okay. we sat next to each other in our first two lessons and in the second one, she moved away from me. she sat right at the end of the desk as far from me as possible and i didn't understand why. my best friend was in a food exam so i had no choice but to stay with her and two mutual friends of ours at break. i sat next to her and i broke down crying. she ignored me. she didn't ask her girlfriend if she was okay. i was crying right next to her. our friend mulubwa asked if i was okay and i just walked out.

the rest of that week was spent with her avoiding me at all costs. by the end of the week, i told mulubwa to tell her that if she didn't speak to me before friday ended, then we were finished. she didn't speak to me. she blocked me on everything and didn't turn up to our last week of school (i was relatively okay for that last week cause she wasn't there and i ended up making friends again with tamzin - a girl i'd spent the last five years arguing on and off with who slapped me in the face at a party in year eight).

i haven't seen or spoken to simone since. it's been nine months. she has a boyfriend now from what i've heard. i'm happy for her.

i think about her a lot. she blames me for our relationship ending, but i blame us both. we were bad for each other. we both had a whole load of issues and staying together wasn't helping. communication was always a problem in our relationship so i'm glad i got out of that toxic relationship. she blamed me for her mental issues and she broke me. completely and utterly broke me. i haven't been the same since.

i loved her. i was in love with her. a part of me still loves her and always will. but i'm not in love with her anymore. she was my best friend for five years and we were on and off dating for over a year. she helped me discover i was bisexual and i'll always be grateful for that. i'll never forget what we went through, but i never want her to be a part of my life again.

april marked the one year anniversary of my dog's death. i miss her every day but at least i don't cry whenever i think of her anymore.

i also got myself a new girlfriend in april (but we broke up in may). her name was hailee and i loved her. i wasn't in love with her cause i still loved simone at that point, but i cared deeply for her. it was never gonna work out though. i'm almost two years older than her and we live in different countries. but she's still my best friend to this day and i don't know what i'd do without her.

all i remember about may was that roadtrip split up. it sounds pathetic but that devastated me. i'd been through a lot and they were my source of happiness for over a year. but i'm over it now.

i don't remember june but i do remember my birthday though (june 17th). i walked my dog with my best friend megan and then my other two close friends (at the time) came to visit me - ellie and my boy best friend. it was a really good day and one of my favourite birthdays.

july wasn't eventful and neither was august. i got my gcse results in august and did much better than i thought i would considering i never took the exams. i had a party with megan, mulubwa and tamzin at megan's house that afternoon and i loved it.

i started college in september and it was terrifying. but i got through it and it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be (besides walking into the wrong classroom multiple times). i took english language, photography, and psychology but ended up dropping psychology and changing to creative media instead. my anxiety has gotten a bit better in these last few months and i don't fall apart half as much as i used to.

i fell out with boy best friend (name not being mentioned for reasons stated further down) sometime between august - october. i've known him since i was nine years old (he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss but let's not talk about that). i cared for him deeply and i still do. but i've had to put up with a lot of his shit over the years and i finally snapped. i had enough of his toxic personality. he's done a lot of messed up shit and I've stood by him through it all. but after what i went through with simone, i couldn't handle having another toxic person in my life.

so i cut ties with him and i felt free. he blamed me, of course he did. but i've been blamed for everything my entire life so i'm used to it. ellie didn't side with anyone, but she stopped hanging out with me and spent more time with him. it hurt, but i was used to people leaving so i just let it happen. luckily we're sorted now and, even though we don't hang out that much anymore, we're still good friends. ellie had a crush on me at some point but that didn't go anywhere.

i got back in touch with my old best friend (we were extremely close in year nine and ten before she got expelled and moved schools - i haven't seen her since march 2019). she told me she was going on a date with him at the weekend and wanted to see me. but he lied and told me she wasn't coming so that i couldn't see her.

then a whole police investigation went into an allegation made by her for attempted rape. (this is why names weren't being mentioned). dunno what happened but nobody got arrested so i'm assuming the case was dropped.

boy and i started talking again, but i still don't trust him. but we're on good terms now so that's alright.

i'm doing okay nowadays. my anxiety is slowly getting worse again but i can handle it. the only mega breakdown i've had recently besides late night crying sessions was around october when my dad got mad at me for no reason. i can't handle people shouting at me but he doesn't understand my anxiety. he got angry at me for crying and i legged it upstairs cause i couldn't breathe. i locked myself in the bathroom and had a full on breakdown. but i can handle all of that. right now my issues are caused by pathetic jealousy over megan making new friends, but i can ignore that part of me cause she's reassured me that she's never gonna replace me (we've been best friends since year 3).

another big thing this year is that i was diagnosed with raynauds disease and iron deficiency. so that's cool.

i also fell flat on my face (ON CAMERA) and embarrassed myself in front of my media group so that's fun too.

so yeah..... hope 2021 is somewhat better.