The Movies Make It Look Easy

Chapter 40

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked softly as I placed my hand directly over his steadily beating heart.

I’d learned since meeting him that you always feel better if you tell someone about what’s bothering you.

After a moments silence, he began to speak, all the while staring at the ceiling, but holding me tighter as if reassuring himself that I was actually there.

‘I’ve never had a perfect family.

You know I’m an only child, and any extended family I have are either dead or we don’t ever see them. So my whole life it was only me and my parents.

My dad has never really liked me – as far back as I can remember he’s been sort of distant. He adores my mother, and nobody could ever say that doesn’t love her with all his fucking heart’ Nick’s tone was angry and bitter and I just wanted to give him a hug, but I didn’t, I stayed still and let him continue.

‘I think part of the reason he never liked me is because he actually resents me. My mother loved me as any mother would love their child, and my father resented that’

I was confused. He said that his father “loves” his mother, but that she “loved” Nick – why had he changed his tenses?

‘I’m not sure when it was, but I wasn’t very old when he started to drink. It started out as once a week or so, but as the years went by, he went out and got hammered more frequently.

It wasn’t too bad I suppose, when he came home at night he might shout a bit, but he was never violent to either me or my mother’

He was silent for a moment, lost deep in thought.

‘Everyone loved my mother. She could make friends with anyone, but she wasn’t a strong woman’

Again I noticed his continued use of the past tense in relation to his mother – what had happened?

‘I think my dad’s drinking problem really hurt her – and every time he shouted, she seemed to shrink into herself, but most of the time you wouldn’t know it. It was like she put on a mask for the world to see and it rarely slipped.

I watched for years, too young to really understand what was going on, I just remember that sometimes I’d catch her just standing staring out a window, and she looked so old – old beyond her years.But then she’d turn and look at me, and she’d smile her familiar smile as she slipped the mask back on’ he paused as if he needed to collect his thoughts.

‘Then when I was eleven, she got pregnant and she was happy – truly happy for what seemed like the first time in years. She wasn’t even showing, but she’d sometimes just rest her hand across her stomach with this secretive smile on her face as if she could actually feel the baby inside her.

She’d always loved children and I don’t know whether it was planned or not but I didn’t care because she was happy.

My dad was happy too. He still drank – he was an alcoholic by that stage, but he didn’t drink as much and there wasn’t nearly as much shouting.

We were starting to feel more and more like an actual family.

We were far from perfect, but anything was better than the tense atmosphere that always seemed to be present when we were all in the same room.

I actually allowed myself to hope that someday my dad would stop drinking completely – and we’d be truly happy, me, my mum and dad, and my unborn sibling’

A growing feeling of dread was filling the pit of my stomach; I could sense that this story wasn’t going to have a happy ending.

He turned and looked at me, just looked as he reached out and barely brushed his fingertips against my cheek. With a sigh he dropped his hand and went back to staring at the ceiling.