Chapter Thirty Three:
Silly Feelings:
~Danielle~
Two days after the whole hospital scare I was discharged. They had wanted to keep me at the hospital permanently, but I didn’t want to spend my last couple of months alive staring at four foreign, white walls that represented hope and suffering equally.
Ryan and my parents and tried to convince me to stay at the hospital, but I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t care that I was weak and I could do next to nothing, I was going to be at home.
Now instead of every two weeks, or the occasional every week, I would be getting chemo twice a week. If I stayed at the hospital I would get a small dosage every day, but since I was staying at home, it would be a large dosage every three days.
I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m willing to do it. The doctors told me that since the cancer is spreading so quickly now, the chemo will slow it down, but it will still hurt a lot. The cancer itself will hurt, and then the large amounts of chemo used to counteract it will be like a large internal war.
Sounds like so much fun!
“Ryan is there something wrong with me?” I asked. We were sitting on my bed. My parents had gone out to get the groceries.
“What do you mean?” He asked. I twisted in his lap to face him. I lowered the mirror I was holding.
“The beauty you see in me?” Ryan nodded. “I can’t see it.”
“That’s normal. Not a lot of people can see the beauty in themselves,” Ryan said.
“But I can’t see it in any one else either,” I finished.
“What?”
“I mean. My friends they are always saying things like ‘He’s so hot’ or ‘I wish I had her beauty’, I can’t see it.”
“Why are you thinking about this? What does it matter?”
I shrugged. “I can see it in you because you’ve always been good to me. But I can’t see anything that makes your friends attractive. I don’t know why. I can see the beauty in my friends, I see a lot of it. But just random people at school, I can’t see it in them.”
“I don’t get it Danielle. Besides, none of this matters.”
I sighed. “I guess not. I just feel I missed out on a lot. My friends spent time gushing about how hot someone was. I could never give my opinion. Now I know that’s something I will never be able to experience.”
“I don’t know to give that to you baby,” Ryan said.
“I know and I’m not asking you to. I just, I wish I had had that chance to be like every other girl. I don’t care about the supposed hotness of strangers, I could care less about shoes, I’ve never been obsessed with some famous person, and I never get sucked into buying those stupid clothes that are like eighty bucks for a piece of fabric.”
“What do you want me to say?” Ryan asked.
“I- I don’t know.”
“Is that the reason you don’t like me calling you perfect or beautiful? Because you can’t see the beauty in people at first glance, and you don’t feel perfect in a girl sense?”
“Yeah. I see the beauty in movement when people dance, but never in their face unless I know them well. And I don’t feel perfect, because that’s not achievable. I don’t know what perfect or beauty means. I don’t know what they are.”
YOU ARE READING
Perfection, Beauty and Flaws
Teen FictionDanielle has never believed anyone when they tell her she is perfect and Beautiful. She hates to think of herself that way. She tells everyone that she is neither of those things but they simply thing she is being modest. One day though, the bigges...
