Confession #57

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Confession #57: All of the good things in my life are screwed up.

Like seriously. All of the things I ever wanted, ever wished for, ever day dreamed for, always get rejected or happen but not in the way I hope for them to be. So many people in high school get to experience so much of the world, and go out and have fun with their friends, have everything all nicely planned. All they gotta say is "hey mom can i go to the movies with my team?" and their mom says "sure honey! here is 15 bucks in case yo uare hungry and hace fun!"

I wish this was the case for my parents. I am always scared of telling my parents everything. I panick, my heart goes into overdrive, I cry, I get frustrated, and I feel like I'm about to die whenever I have to ask them for something. And most of the time, they all say no. I have to go through hell and back just for them to say yes.

I am forced to look at other people's lives as they post and be open to the world on social media. Always they have such an amazing time with other friends and it is hell. Hell to go back to school and hear them talk about something that they did together while I stayed the night doing NOTHING. When they say "oh remember when" it is hell to ask what and wath them laugh about it.

I hate good things in my life. There are always a catch, like my parents have to go with me, or we cpouldn't go because so and so was sick, or my friends just had other plans.

The only fucking good thing that I ever had, broke away from me.

That is literally my life. I always have good things that never happen. Or good things that are so good, they don't last long.

I feel so alone. I don't even want to do a thing, because I hate it. I hate being alone, smiling like oh I don't even care about how much fun you have been. Sometimes I lie just to make my life at least a little bit awesome because my life is boring. There is nothing but sadness, good things that never even occured or lasted for a short time.

I miss and always feel left out. There is no point in crying about it or feeling upset because this is just a part of my shitty life.

I wish that "him" would at least still be a bit nice and not act like I am stupid. Or maybe I think like he is acting stupid. I don't know. I just wanna cry it out,. I desperately want a hug from a friend. I am still sick and I want someone to be here for me right now.

lmao I am sorry I am such a depressed little crap xD 

I am 16 now just as an age update and as for the book update, this book is freaking over a year old!

I was rereading this book and I smiled at all the things I have been through, the stupid ones, the serious ones, and all the things I have gone through alone. It is true my life is better off than most people but I have my hells. The reason why someone calls something 'their hell" is because they have never experienced this before. We all have our own hells and this life right now is the hellish thing that I have ever even experienced.

The best part in all of this book is how much I have grown and changed. I have nearly stopped my self harm, by myself, I have took action whenever I feel upset and depressed, I opened this diary and told everyone of my thoughts alone.

I was afraid. All through these changes I was afraid but now I look back and think, this was easy. Right now everything that I am facing, the tortures, the torment, the fears are all hellish and hard right now but later I will look back on this and laugh.

I am planning to keep this book open for 200 parts and then idk whether there will be a sequel or naah. Depends on where I am in 200 parts.

Anyways, another thing that is bothering my mind is that I get upset when I screw up with talking to someone. But I will save those thoughts for another day.

I got to go before my parents yell at me to go pray.

Love you all,

stay strong,

Taz x

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