Confession #36: Sometimes the rightous thing is the most hardest thing to do.
Sorry for leaving all of you hanging. I was so busy and I have just started my fall break. So now, I can fill you in as to what has happened. Warning: This confessions chapter will probably be the longest one in this whole entire book.
Now that you have gotten the warning, I shall proceed to tell you what has happened in my crazy, stupid life. So I have a feeling that all of you are wondering what was up with my confession number 35.
Well what has happened is that I guess I said something wrong, or I was tired and didn't think correctly, and that sparked my mom off. She began yelling, criticizing, not even letting me go to cool off. I bottled it in, I tried so hard to bottle everything in me. But it burst. I cried and I felt so ashamed of me. I hated crying in front of people. It just makes me think that I am such a pathetic person. And trust me, when the bottle in my heart breaks, those little glass shards spread everywhere, blindly lodging inside other people's hearts as well. Well that happened and it was such a hard thing to go through by myself. My hands and brain automatically went to text the only person who sort of knew what goes on at my house and all of my screw ups and the pain I feel for screwing up. That person was my ex. (egh I gotta tell you about him too...) So I texted him saying something that "hey can we talk for a sec? I am having some problems and a bad day" I know. That was stupid of me. I hated myself after I sent it. Because, of course, he ignored me. That was so painful.
I hated being the only teen in my family. My family is an amazing and caring family, we have mishaps every now and then, but I feel like I am generally the cause for every single one of them. Sometimes they push me at the stressful of times in my life. That just pushes me to snap. My brother has all of the technology guru and I wished he didn't . He can read my texts if he wanted to. He can know what website I am on right now. He can block me from texting people. (which he has)
Anyways, so my brother and my mother were all fighting over me at that night. Then my brother got all pissed and so he decided to take his keys and drive out. Shortly after, my mom drove out, not taking her phone, driving someplace out. So it was me and my dad. My dad later told me that he was going to go and find my mom and so I was home alone. That was when I relapsed. Two little cuts. Tried to go as deep as I could with my tiny little strength. They weren't too deep, but three weeks later (now) there are two little brown scars still reminding me of my relapse. I couldn't feel any more guiltier.
The day after all of that drama, my mom was talking loudly to my aunt about how my brother is such a perfect child and how I am such a nuiscance, a bad daughter. I don't blame her, I admit that I have hurt her. Sometimes I'm afraid to open up to her because of her rage. Sometimes I wish I never ever was here. But I need to keep on pushing.
So my brother and my mother were arguing over me again and my mom was like okay I will give you another chance. So the days after were slowly getting back to normal. I was scared of telling my mom about the robotics event that I had to go to on saturday 9/30.
Eventually I did. It was raining that day, but regardless it was pretty fun and tiring. We raised money for fundraising and it was fun. Of course ex was there. At the end of the event, were alone and were waiting for our rides. I really wanted cry right then but I didn't. When I talked to him, he showed no interest didn't smile. Whilst I was being civil and starting a conversation, he didn't add on to the convo and smile like he does to other people. It hurt so bad. When he went and left for his ride, he got someone else to help him with the elevator, something that brings up memories. I didn't mind caz when he left I got to shed a tear or two in the bathroom and my ride came. I talked to my two best friends about it and I got encouraged and let it out when my family went to the store and left me home alone.
Now, this week, was very stressful, I had to drag on and take so many tests. I talked to "his" best friend and asked him what was up with him, but the friend didn't give me any help. So last night i asked him via text if we could talk during linch after his meeting. He said that the meeting lasts until the bell, so I asked if I can text it, so he he said it was okay and asked if we could do it over text. So today he shall be expecting a text from me. I'm just freaking out right now. What do I say to him? My best friend told me to be honest and open and let go of my heart so that I won't regret since I won't ever have another chance.
So I will. I'm so nervous. I want to cry, but I can't, because my family will ask me whats wrong. They will nag me. So I won't.
It's time to put on those high heels and become a woman right now.
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"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe I'm just Taz. A girl who is...