Confession #41

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Confession #41: Just because I am the pole that everyone leans on to, does not mean that the pole is 100% stable.

Well I was really sick yesterday. On Monday, I had a cold. On Tuesday I came to school shivering and my friend felt my forhead and told me I was burning up so I went home early. Yesterday (Tuesday) I slept for 5 hours straight and woke up still tired. Didn't do any of my homework, just relaxed. I have homeworkd today tons of it but my thoughts are just making me want to cry and scream at the same time. Anyways, today I am feeling better. I still sound sick and feel sick to my stomach, and still have that sickness breath and taste on me.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me right now. I am not doing well in any of my subjects, I feel stupid, everything that everyone thinks is easy is hard for me. Too many thoughts nag my head. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Everything is falling apart on me and I watch as I frantically try to put everything together again. Why is it that everytime I try to pull my shit together it just falls back.

WHY AM I SO AFRAID?

WHY AM I SO IRRESPONSIBLE?

WHY DO I NEVER FOLLOW THINGS THROUGH?

WHY AM I SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON?

I wish. I wish so much that someone can come right behind me wrap there arms around me and wipe my tears away. I want them to look at me and say "You are strong. You are amazing."

Because I noticed that I have been there giving everyone encouragements when they needed, a crying post when they wanted it, and some TLC when they weren't feeling it.

What about me?

Everyone takes it for granted. I'm not being selfish. I just want someone to be there with me for a second or two.

Instead of pouring my feelings onto this journal, I want to pour it on someone else. Sometimes I hold back my feelings to someone thinking that they don't want to hear my thoughts. That they care less.

Everything is just so ughh. I wish I was a child again. I want run freely around the grass and not worry about anything in the world. To believe that the world is an amazing place.

But waitt...

Maybe I can do this. By myself.

I mean I have done it by myself for a while.

I am strong enough.

I love you.

YOu can do it.

That sounds better in my head when I say those things.

I stopped crying. That is good. 

Hey, to anyone who has come this far with me, has read every single one of these stupid thoughts, has silently held my hand, please listen.

(I'm crying again) But thanks so much to reaching it to 1,300 reads. It seems like yesterday that I typed my first confession my first misery onto these little wattpad writing spot notebook thingies. I feel kinda amazing knowing that people are reading this. Someone actually PMed me saying "OMG I love your book Confessions" That made my day.

Please, as pathetic and weak as I may seem from these crappy journal sessions know that I am here with open arms. Sure I might complain how no one is there for me. But I feel even more amazing to help others with my experiences. I love you <3

Anyways back to my shizz, umm yeah so I wanna write down everything that I need to get done to minimize stress and to encourage me that I can do it.

1. math hw 3-4 and a portion of 3-5

2. Study for biology quiz

3. Study for vocab test

4. Write a Correct Probable Passage on Oedipus

5. Take medicine

6. Excercise (if only for fifteen minutes)

7. Work on inspirational things

8. Pray

I can do this. Baby you can do this. I love you Taz. So what if you make msitakes? So what if you are irresponsible. YOU are trying hard. Being a teen is difficult and I am proud of you for surviving and pushing through every single shitty thing life has thrown at you.

I love all of you

Push through it.

<33333

Once you push through it hard enough (LMAO SOUNDS WEIRD) you will see an amazing light and rainbows.

and unicorns.

Love you all.

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