Confession #40

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Confession #40: Thoughts overwhelm me sometimes.

Woohoo I wrote in this journal like for 40 times. So nothing too bad happened the whole week. I had a pretty fun week. Except these stupid thoughts keep on nagging me to no end. Like seriously. If I could have ONE day where I could just be melted with someone's love or just have no thoughts in my mind, I would have been at my happiest time of my life.

I hate when that little voice in my head takes control of all of my thoughts, poisoning them with negativity that spreads like a drop of water on a piece of paper.

Most of the time, the same thoughts go over my head.

FAILURE.

FAILURE.

FAILURE.

STUPID.

STUPID.

STUPID.

DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

TERRIBLE AT EVERYTHING.

DON'T SHOW AFFECTION.

All those thoughts nag my brain so much. I don't know what to do. I can't really tell it to anyone because I am alone. All of my old "friends" that I sort of made last year, have better people to hang out with than me. I'm never going to be the one that they will always be there with me.

I remember when I had this conversation with one of my "friend's" best guy friend several weeks ago. My friend had to go to her locker and she was going with her othe group of friends. She didn't want to leave me alone and wanted to stay but her guy best friend insisted to stay with me.

So we sat in awkward silence for a few seconds. Then we talked about his crush (it's a long backstory about his crush I really don't want to dwell to deep on that) after that we had a convo ( a short one) here is what we said.

Him: Yeah, I mean no offence I don't think she is as open to you than she is to me.

Me: *smiles* No offence taken. I know that. You guys spend a lot of time together anyways. It's good that she can open up to you, she needs it.

Him: Yeah the fact that she goes through so much, and she is only 15!

Me: Yeah true. *smiles a little sadly as I think about my life*

HIm: I'm kinda like a therapist. People tell me things. LIke deep stuff. I don't know why.

Me: That's because you are pretty trusting.

Him: Yeah. Most people have opened up to me.

Me: mmmm

Him: Except you.

Me: Well I haven't gotten to know you better.

Him: true.

Me: and besides I'm not really open to anyone.

Him: why not?

Me: Because I don't trust a lot of people. And... I'm tired of fighting.

HIm: What does that mean?

That is when our convo ended because it started raining and they left me alone. I didn't mind that of course, I'm used to it and I didn't want to go where they wanted to go. I wouldn't even fit in xD.

But yeah. I hate this mental battle. I have no one to share about my mental battle. When my little voice takes control, no one can save me.

I'm fighting this so hard. I'm working on this so hard, but then I fuck things up and my voice scolds me so harshly...

I don't know if I have depression. I have never been diagnosed with it. My parents don't even ask or worry about my upsetting face. They care, it's just I learned to mask it better ever since they said that God can make it better, if I read the Quran and pray 5 times a day.

Where is God now?

I prayed to him, cried to him, asked him to kill me, to make me live, to make my worries a little at ease.

But I got no answer.

I am still praying. Hope it works.

Speaking of religion, I had a halaqa today which is like an Islamic Religious gathering where we all sit in a circle and learn more about our religion, find more answers, and find the meanings of our Holy Book.

One thing interesting I found, was something that our leader had said. She said that if we prayed to God (Allah) and he granted it, that means that we earned it and had done the right thing. But if we havent earned it yet, or if it is a bad idea, then he won't grant it.

Does that mean God granted me a boyfriend because I earned it? Isn't it against Islam to do so?

Too many thoughts and questions cloud my mind.

Speaking of my boyfriends (aka ex) something's weird about him. When we are doing a robotics meeting, sometimes he takes the meeting over. When he does, of course everyone has to look at him and pay attention. I do too, since I am secretary. When he does meetings, he is constantly looking at me and no one else. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm still in the "moving on" phase. When he looks at me and smiles his normal smile, I go into those "if we were still dating daydreams". Idk man, I'm fucked up if u ask me.

Speaking of robotics, i'm scared to ask my parents to let me go to some robo events. They hate robotics. I'm trembling but I need to talk to them tomorrow. Wish me luck. I have been putting this off for a long time.

There are other thoughts that are nagging me, but I should go and sleep it off.

It's already 11:30 pm here... and everyone else is asleep xD

Night.

I will be fine... just need to fight my hardest.

Love u all.

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