Confession #80

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Confession #80: I'm healing.

As all of you who have read this book, my high school years have been very hectic, nice, both happy and sad, depressing, and just downright crazy. And Junior year has been the craziest. 

My relationship with my parents have always been weak, as I hardly ever let them see my emotions. In fact all my life I have been pretty closed. Yes, I have opened to my close friends, but they only see a sliver of my pain and my emotions. In fact, if all my family members and my friends were to put together the little slivers of my life that they know together, the picture still would not be complete. And so now, I'm doing the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. That is to have a fresh start again. And to open my heart to those who have been waiting to hold them with tender hands.

As you know Junior year has been stressful, and it has caused me to lash out, and to do terrible things, and strain my already weak link with my parents. A few days ago, I got a wake up call. I'm going to be working hard to strengthen the bond with my parents. But to be frank, it's been always a difficult thing to do. It's hard to find myself to be open to them when all these years I have been used to suffering alone. It's not like they were never there. They were always there, and I never shown any obvious signs of pain. 

It's hard because they don't know how to comfort me and I don't know how to explain my feelings unless I'm writing. When I cry, they think that my mindset is like of a fighter's, so they call me weak in hopes of me thinking to be stronger. But instead that breaks me more than ever. If I were to say that I'm afraid they will call me even more weak. This strain has been making me feel upset.

This straining relationship of mine has been going on forever and it's time for me to fix it. I've been working so hard to fix so many things about myself. I've been overwhelmed.

In fact, I've just been overwhelmed with everything. Sometimes everything just catch up to me. And those tears never cease to fall. That weight has been holding heavy in my heart. When I talk to my friends, I realize that they don't know me at all. My family does know, however they still remind me of my deeds. I wish I could start from the beginning. Just all the way to the beginning.

I'm just tired. I know I have been saying that same thing over and over again, but I am. I'm exhausted mentally because I have been working at myself, picking up things and dropping things down. Being a complete asshole at times, and realizing it too late.

I wish I could live inside a fantasy world. A world in which everything was my ideal of perfect. Everything has been putting such a mental strain on me. I don't know what to do. Each day life has been testing me. 

I wish I got float away, disconnecting my soul from my body and feel nothing. I just want to feel nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, no pain. Just nothing. I want to feel nothing and be nothing. I want to plunge into nothingness and let it submerge me like a wave of icy cool water under a sweltering hot sun.

I'm healing. These scars will be patched up. It's just that scars takes time to heal. But it takes even longer to heal when people lash you on the old scars again. They reopen and you are left bloodied and in an even more painful than before.

I'm healing. As tears roll down my face, I'm taking a deep breath and go to face reality.

Much Love,

Taz xx

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