Confession #99

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Confession #99: It is what it is.

I know it's been a while since I've written in here. I've graduated high school. I am now a freshman in college :) I got on my ass towards the end and tried my best to get my grades up. I ended up getting 3 Bs, 1 C, 1 D. I ranked in the top 20% (but they only give awards to the top 10% so fuck it).

With all of those accomplishments, I felt okay. My parents and my family aren't okay with my grades. But the emotional upheaval that I've been going through (and still am) it was an incredible feat. There was one thing that was even more incredible. I ended up auditioning to speak at graduation.

It was stupid. No one knew me, I wasn't honorable, I wasn't praised, hardly anyone knew me. But it was my last kinda wish I wanted to do in high school. So I did it. And for the first time, I didn't give a fuck about it. People probably thought it was stupid. I wasn't receiving any standing ovation or anything. But I did it. I spoke to hundreds of people. And I think that's fucking great.

Now on to college. Transitioning has been stressful, esp when you still live at home. I'm saving money but at the same time, I don't know if I like staying at home.

Am I still lost?

FUCK YEAH BITCH. I have no idea what the future holds or what I believe in myself.

Am I still struggling?

You bet I am.

But the best thing about college is, there are resources. And I've finally stepped up and asked for help. Sure I may be the girl with some petty problems. But those petty problems have really got me down. And that's not okay. It's not okay to let problems you think are minuscule (which they're not) that are affecting you deeply let them run all over you. It's not okay.

I'm not okay. 

but maybe college will help me find some peace and stability in not being okay. 



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