Confession #96

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Confession #96: I'm giving up and then getting up everyday.

I'm failing. I'm falling. I'm sinking. I don't want to go to the place where dark souls live. Maybe that's where my life was all along. Maybe that's where I belong. Maybe I should just stay there and watch them eat up my light, the door closing within everyday; hands just barely reaching towards the handle with each passing day. Sometimes I'm the train, moving forward, going far. Sometimes I'm the track, stuck, letting people walk on top of me, letting darkness pin me against its weight and speed. Right now I'm the track. I'm sinking slowly, I'm letting darkness crush my light soul, I'm letting my flaws and insecurities tear me apart. I'm letting myself being vulnerable to the point where there's no help or hope that can be found. I don't love who I am. I can never be content with just me, a small human being, trying so hard just to get through these days. Believe me, I'm trying so hard just to breathe, just to move, just to get things going. I can't focus on doing schoolwork, I can't. When I try to focus on that one thing, I find my mind be restless of all the things I haven't done. I find myself disappointing my parents as I lay in my bed, engulfed with all of my thoughts, paralyzed by all this hatred of who I am. I mean what if I just left. I want to just leave these feelings. I want to feel numb. I want people's comments to not blind me. I want to be strong. I want to just not breathe. I want to graduate on time. I want to get scholarships. I want to learn how to drive. But it's been so hard to do those things lately. I don't want to be successful. I want to lay in bed and just be paralyzed in my thoughts, because that's so much easier and safer than facing the real world.

I need to go. I need to wash my face, eat up, clean my room. I'm going to try again once more. I'm going to take a deep breath, ignore my parents today, and get my things done and sorted. We're going to take another try. We're going to try again. We're not going to end here. We can do it. We can graduate. We can be successful. 


Taz xx

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