Confession #69

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Confession #69: I have completely lost my self confidence.

I'm sorry I haven't updated. Everything has been a whirlwind for me. So last Tuesday we found out that this dude from a school (near our area) committed suicide. It pains me, and it makes me feel so awkward, because I have thought of suicide many times. I won't ever forget about him. I just wished I had someone to talk to so I can just talk about him. I still think about him, even if he wasn't someone I knew. I feel like a failure, even if it's not my fault. I'm trying so hard to reach out to people who want to commit suicide, that I feel like I failed. I know exactly what they are going through. I know what it feels to be locked and trapped inside with your own thoughts.

Lately, I have been feeling so drained. So depressed. EVERYTHING IN MY MIND IS BEATING ME UP. Everytime I speak, my mind questions me. She tells me awful things. Things that I just wanted to scream out loud for. Things I want to kill for (literally). I think that's why suicidal ppl put a shot to their heads. So they can kill their mind the one that whispered the stupid thoughts in their heads. I wish someone understood. I wished there was people who loved me. It looks like they love me on the surface. But when you look from deep within, you see the strong love for others.

Every single time I speak, my mind scolds me. She is telling me shut up, to be quiet, that no one likes me, that they all just pretend to love me, that i'm too clingy. The times I reach out to help, are the times, where no one gets my clues. I don't feel any confidence. I have to act like I do. I wish I had people to catch me when I'm not ready to fall. I wish people said things that I need and want to hear rather than the cold harsh truth. Sometimes I want to escape from reality. I want my body to feel nothing, think nothing, and do nothing. I want to be lifeless, numb, and just completely lose myself to feel, to care.

I just want to lose all of me.


Because nothing in my body looks happy right now.

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