Confession #66

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Confession #66: Why is it so hard to keep on moving?

Everything is really draining my world. These thoughts are just building up and slowly covering the light that I can't even see anymore. I'm tired. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. Okay so I'm trying to force myself to type out my feelings right now, so I can feel better. Forgive me if they aren't too detailed or deep because it's really hard for me to open up.

So first of all, I know I screwed up. I screwed up to the point where my parents don't trust me anymore. And it sucks. Being reminded that you are an already fucked up person sucks. I remember coming home each time and to be treated like I was a pest. I can't live in that environment. My mom told me she lost all my trust and she said I shouldn't die and all I needed was willpower. I'm trying so hard mom. I CAN'T GET ANY WILLPOWER. Everything is drained. Every time I feel like I'm really shitty already. It doesn't help to go home knowing that this bitch (me) has screwed up more than anyone else. And it's a tenuous task to lift it up. Right now, I wish I wasn't even alive. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up ever.

I know what you guys are going to say, reach out to friends! Yeah I know I have two close people who are there with me every single step of the way, but sometimes I'm really really confused when to ask them for help and when not to. I feel as if there are times where I am really really clingy to them and it pisses me off. And I don't want to be pouring shit all over them all the time. So I don't know when I should talk to them and when not to.

Second of all, what is bothering me right now are robotics elections. I was nominated for secretary and treasurer and VP. I accepted treasurer and secretary, but I have not accepted VP. I know it's a lot of work and I don't know if I want to. The truth is, I really want to be an effective leader and I want to try out as Vice President. But my parents get in the way. I need to ask them before I accept it. I really hope they allow me too. But I'm not sure. Based on the terms I am on with them right now, I don't know what they will say. I want them to say go for it with a smile and support me, but they won't. I know that they don't want me to do robotics next year, but I will have my permit by then so they would only have to do half the driving. I'm trying to keep this going. Robotics has helped me so much to grow as an individual and to become who I am right now. I'm gaining confidence within each step. I really wish I could do that position. I have until next Wednesday to decide. I hope it works out. But I don't know. There are people who really really want that job, but I'm not sure if they would be good leaders. I mean they are good with talking and all of that but they can be impatient and snappy when stressed. I don't act like that, that is why people like me. But I don't know. After all i just observe people.

Third of all, why are people so fucking mean??? This girl at my third hour started bawling a few minutes before class. turns out she got death threats from someone. WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?? I don't know her personally. I know her by name and I still felt horrible for her. They don't know who did it. Or maybe they have, idk. But yeah. I wished she smiled my direction tho. I don't know if she likes me or not but every time I say thank you or apologize she doesn't say anything back... so not sure. I'm not going to jump to conclusions. Also one of my friends was talking about how she had the most spirit during competition and another friend just did sarcastic laughing and said "yeah that is fucking hilarious" WHAT THE HELL? CALM YOUR ASS DOWN. Okay, since when did this become a competition??? We all had spirit. It didn't matter whether one screamed louder than the other or lost their voice faster. As for me, I'm battling my insecurity and confidence. You don't know how hard it is for me to smile and act like I'm really pretty and talk to others when I don't feel like that at all. So really there isn't a competition. I don't know I just felt as if there wasn't one and it pissed me off.

Oh yeah my mom also gave me this implication that she doesn't trust me by saying something indirectly "teens lie so quickly and I don't want you to be at school later than you should be." "teens say that they stay after school but they don't they hang out" WHAT THE FUCK MOM? DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?? BECAUSE I CAN GLADLY GET OUT OF THE CAR AND THROW MYSELF ONTO THE ROAD. Splat. Just like that. You tell me to have willpower but I just can't if you hurt me like that.

So right now, everything is hard. I'm too scared to talk and to even breathe.

Oh I was on my high school's live student news network, never been so anxious in my life. That was a big step for me. To go up and speak live on camera. Because I got told crap before, and it was kind of painful.

Yeah imma end it here. If you read every word, I love you.

It's hard right now.

Bye. Gotta do hw.

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