Confessions

Confession #78

Confession #78: Being strong is hard.

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm strong, or I'm weak. Right now, I feel like all my mental strength has left my body and I'm just a shell, but I'm still here. I just feel so empty. Everything at home seems like it's okay. But then insults, indirect arguments flash right through my heart all of a sudden.

Today, my mom was like "there are so many things in the Quran that discuss about how parents are everything and how you must respect them" And I was like oh yeah? I went to hug her, because I'm trying to make everything better. And all of a sudden she says "I wish I could do that with my daughter. Can you believe it? I can't trust my daughter anymore. I can't give her affection." I pulled away from my hug. I tried to explain to her that this will take time. This is what happened.

Mom: I could die tomorrow

Me: I could too. Look, we all make mistakes *looks at her opening her mouth* YES. BIG MISTAKES LIKE THIS ONE. But the point is you shouldn't be upset about it all the time. Not you, not me. I admitted my mistake, and now I'm moving on and fixing myself. It's going to take time for me to change but AT LEAST I will die trying. You need to accept it and move on, that's how people are happy and are easily healthy. You spend all day moaning about how terrible I am. Yes, I'm terrible I know. Moaning won't help anyone. We all need to move on

Mom: YOu're speaking to loud quiet!

Me: No i'm speaking normally.

Mom: shhh

Me: *walks away*

Ever since what happened tonight, I feel upset. I need to work on things. I know that. I'm afraid. I'm afraid my mom will never love me. Those words cut me so deep I can't stop crying. My heart has been wounded for so long, that it can't take any more cuts. Yet it's beating. It's bleeding and beating.

Frustration is sweeping over me and I'm wounded. Those thoughts will be in my head forever. They are going to haunt me for so long and I'm going to be fighting it for so long.

I wish there was someone holding my hand in this. I wish someone in my family can hold my hand and tell me "you can do this. I love you" 

But nope. No one.

God I've screwed that much

Deep breaths Taz, deep breaths. 

*breathe in*

*breathe out*

*breathe in*

*breathe out*

STAY STRONG BB GIRL. WORK HARD. WORK HARD. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.  YOU ARE AMAZING YOU HEAR ME. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. DON'T CRY BB GIRL. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. STAY STRONG. DEEP BREATHS. DEEP BREATHS. DEEP BREATHS. CALM DOWN BB GIRL.

My mom is talking about how kids are terrible these days. 

She was talking about interracial marraiges.

She said she found something that said "if you children don't follow the rules of Islam, how do you love your children"

I'm trembling

I'm crying

I'm breaking

I'm falling.

I'm picking myself up

I'm wiping my tears

i'm putting me back together.

I want to be me

I want to be who I am

I want someone to understand

I can't take anyone who hates me, who can't love me anymore

I just can't

Mom, you will never see these tears. This pain, because you wouldn't believe me if I said i'm pained. You'd think I"m faking it.

*Take another deep breath*

I'm working so so so so so so hard.

It's time to write about my flaws, how to fix em, make steps, and keep them on a white board. 

*take another deep breath*

I think I'm okay.

For now.

I have to ask my parents about something relating to robotics...

I'M SO SCARED THAT IS LIKE A PROFANITY IN MY HOUSE

My heart is beating just thinking about it. I'm so scared. So So So So So So So SO scared.

I'll ask tomorrow.

Wish me luck

I'll tell you how it goes...

I hate this life

I hope it gets better

I"m sick of being sick.

I just want a hug.

A long long long long long long long long long long long hug.

Okay guys I'm out.

Love,

Taz xx