Confession #24

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Confession #24: I absolutely hate school.

        I'm shaking right now. I'm not ready to go back to my school. Even if my schedule is with my former classmates and friends from Freshman year, I'm still shaking.

        I am going to have to deal with so much things. I want to be involved with my school's activites and clubs, but it's getting harder each day because my parents are getting more stricter with me.Their expectations have increased. I'm a clumsy and forgetful person, so I forget them all sometimes.

        I am considered the role model for all the little girls in my Asian culture. All of the moms look at me all hawk-eyed, checking if my shirt shows any cleavage, if my bra strap appears from my shirt, if it's too see through, if it's too tight, if it's too short, if my pants are too tight, if i'm showing off my legs. Normally I don't mind it. But this time they are going over the edge.

        I feel as if I can never be a good Muslim. Never.

        I feel so mixed up right now. I can't feel anything. O'm working on it and gaining my faith and humanity through prayer but it seems like I can't do it anymore. I have been working so hard.

        Hopefully I can be revived. I"m working so hard. Can't anyone care to notice?

        I may have done things that have screwed up my faith and betrayed it, but I'm still being faithful.

        I'm breaking, and mending, breaking and mending.

        But I'm still not ready. Not ready to face "him". Not ready for school, not ready for classes, not ready for the busy life.

        Because there are so many people, who still hold grudges against me, when I apologised and helped and worked hard to impress them that I make mistakes.

        Why must I have to be perfect?

        Why must I have to smile and be happy for everyone, when there is no one for me to lean on to?

        I AM NOT READY.

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