Confession #18

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Confession #18: I realized that life is bigger than it seems to be.

A lot has happened during my freshman year, things that I enjoyed and things that I didn't. It was a definite learning experience for me. As I think back to my Year, it was not the best year. I had to make a fresh batch of friends, which didn't come out as sweet as I had expected. Almost a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriemd (whom I should call my ex now). It was tough, going through some stuff like this alone. As a result, I wrote this rant a few days ago:

"I honestly don't know what to write right now. I'm just sitting here thinking about my freshman year, the summer, and my sophomore year. I feel like crying. I'm not ready. I actually really hate this high school. There are too many rich people and it pisses me off. Why do you have to be blabbing about a pair of shoes you bought for a hundred dollars? Like why? I think they know I am poor. I am not even pretty.

I got made fun of too many times to count. There were these jerks who "hitted on me" mockingly one day. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN? I WANT TO LEAVE THIS SCHOOL BUT I CAN'T. I want to be loved and liked, someone to look up to, someone who will be there. In reality, I was that girl in middle school. Once I came to this school, it's been hell.

Sometimes I say things that I don't mean and they slip out and I apologize and the people don't accept my apology. We don't become close as we used to. I HATE THAT. WHY DO YOU HOLD FRICKEN GRUDGES? JUST WHY?

I wish I could be open with mom. I just can't. she doesn't see eye to eye. She doesn't listen. Any thing I say, she either twists it, or takes it the wrong way, or just doesn't care. I love her. She carried me for nine months and made sure I got a safe delivery and that I was alive and well for fifteen years and counting. I just wished she understood.

I hate getting yelled at. I'm done with that right now. I had so many complications with mom, that I hate it. I sometimes wish that she would leave me alone and let me think and cool myself down."

But then, I realized something that made me open my eyes a bit more to this soceity. There will always be hardships, some people are more unfortunate with more hardships than others. There will always be people less fortunate than me and more fortunate than me.

In the end, I'm just a teen, who is almost 15 and a half. I am just starting my life so why end it now? I guess I have been pretty childish on some matters in this confessions book.

It came to the point in which I wondered, "Should I delete this book?" I eventually came to a simple decision:

No.

I want to keep it and write it, because as embarassing as it is, I want it to be here for people struggling with similar problems or situations.

But with every struggle, I get stronger. It's something I think I will be able to conquer through it. So please keep on reading through it. If it helps you to read someone's childish affairs, surely read it. YOU be the judge of your life.

To my sophmore year that is coming soon, I wish this year will be a year of new beginnings, fresh starts, and some pain, for there is no life without pain.

That is all my dear friends. That is all I am confessing to you today.

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