Confession #64

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Confession #64: Sometimes I wish I wasn't responsible.

I just sometimes can't get on top of things. I forget things and I feel like I'm worrying about so many things man. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible. Sometimes I wished I was alone. Sometimes I don't know. I'm such a complicated fucking female, I can't even figure out what I want right now.

But one thing I wished there was in this world is to acknowledge the responsible ones and understand that when they fall, they don't mean to. I feel as if I have so much pressure on me. I mean for people who are responsible they are the ones who wanna go to college, who wanna get somewhere. It's so hard for me to do that. My grades aren't my inspiration right now. Nothing is. Sometimes I wish I was stuck in Freshman year. That was one of the best years (the hardest one too). Now, I feel like whenever I fall people are just waiting to laugh at me.

I'm asian after all, that doesn't make any thing better. I try so hard but I fail everytime. HOW THE HELL CAN I GET BACK UP IF I KEEP ON FAILING. Can't we literally get an A for effort? I don't know. Today is one of my down days. I feel so lost so afraid so unorganzied so stressed so tired everyday.

It's hard to get sleep sometimes because I get so anxious trying to remember all the shit I haven't done, need to do, need to say. Sometimes I wish I just gave up. Not like just give up on life, but just give up on everything I worked hard on. Just walk away. Walking away is so much easier than anything else. I don't wanna walk away but with each second I keep on fighting the urge.

I'm not afraid to fail, I'm just tired of failing. I haven't been getting anywhere. And I don't know. I'm not lost, I have the map, but it's the same obstacles that block me each time.

It's that it's so hard to be the first one to stand up. The first one to sing, to speak, to listen, to smile, to clap. But to me, I seem to be always the first. I just want someone to recognize how hard I'm trying. How I'm working my ass off.

Well I'm just going to keep on working and keep on trying I guess.

Lots of Love,


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