Confession #1

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Confession #1: I cut myself.

Yes, I know it is horrible. Don't you think I don't? But sometimes I am just too tired of crying, too tired of becoming weak. I hate it. I see people pass me by with happy smiles as insults pierce them with arrows. I just want to be like them. So everytime I cry, cutting is my punishment. That is my definition of strong. I HATE crying, especially in front of people. It really sucks. I constantly feel weak inside. The monster inside me, tells me that I'm weak, but my brain tells me I'm strong. Sometimes following the monster is easier because its voice is louder and stronger.

The last time I cut myself was three nights ago. I was upset because no one took the time to listen to me explain. Everyone called me stupid and rude. So i cut. Two neat slices just a mere handful of millimeters away from my veins. They are still there stinging and extremely itchy. They are healing slowly but surely.

I am trying to stop cutting but the monster loves it. It wants more. I don't know. Should I follow the monster, the one that has made me hate what I've become,? I don't know anymore. Isn't it weird how I wanted winter break so badly yet know I want to go to school?

School isn't awesome anymore. I'm invisible., but I have piano class and I can manage to survive through each day. I have some classmates that I talk to in each class. :) At home, my whole family is bipolar... I think... That's why I cut. Trying to stop, but it's not working.

My best friend isn't responding to texts. I'm worried. Was it something I said? Is he hurt? Is he sick? The monster comes and tells me You're a horrible friend. YOU deserve nothing. I feel like cutting. I'm trying to fight the monster.

Help me before it controls me again.

Update: I don't self harm anymore. :)

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