Confession #86

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Confession #86: I'm lost.

Why?

Why me?

Those thoughts circle around me like vultures over a dead carcass. I'm dead. My classes/grades haven't been improving.

My family issues, have increased so much last weekend, I was delirious. 

I still am. My heart is filled with so much darkness, it's going to plague my mind.

The great and terrible depression, the one that has always there, sometimes elusive, sometimes an obstacle, is slowly overcoming my body.

When I look down from a high building, my fear of heights disappears. Instead, there is this nagging thought in my head What if I fall? and I feel my body inching closer, and closer to the railing.... I feel my body going closer and closer to over the railing.... and then I snap back to reality.

When I'm up doing hw/studying at 1 or 2 am, I'm alone. And that's when this nagging thought comes in my head, What if I OD on pills? Again, my body inches downstairs and closer and closer to the bottle of pills... I feel my hands trying to open the bottle of pills... and I snap back to reality.

I know I'm at my limits. I know I need help. I mean I've been crying over the littlest things, and my anxiety has reached over the top. I'm shaking. 

I hate this. I hate the pressure. I wish I was smart, I wish I was better. God, I despise myself.

All of my confidence, is gone. Everything is gone. I'm a shell.

I know I need help. But who do I go to for help? I just don't know. Parents? I mean probably not. Brother? I tried, but sometimes, he gives me the wrong kind of therapy, not the one for my mindset. Therapist? That would require me to ask my parents, and they think I'm just a happy teenager, despite the attempts I've made to try to tell them.

I'm going to try. 

One more day.

Love you all,

Taz xx


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