Confession #89

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Confession #89: I'm tired of feeling sad.

I have been feeling so terrible for months now, my chest has been clenching with anxiety, I just want to give up everything.

We had a robotics competition last Friday and Saturday and we didn't win anything. I'm not too upset about that. What I'm upset about is what I notice happening around me.

I just have one question to the world. Why is it always the pretty and smart girls that get the most respect? Why do people listen to them more, people trust them more, people like them more?

That's something I will never get. I will never get respect, I will never get listened. I just am an unattractive person that no one seems to acknowledge sometimes. I wish I could feel that I'm worth something, you know? For once, I just don't want to hate myself but feel like I'm a great person doing great things. Hell I just want to feel pretty and smart.

I'm a junior and I'm taking APUSH. It's a hard class, and I'm struggling. I have a 76.7 in that class. During spring break we were supposed to write an essay. I tried my best to write one and had my friend edit it. It needs a lot a lot a LOT of work. 

It's getting harder for me to stay motivated for things nowadays. I feel like just staying in bed, sleeping, not going anywhere just watch BuzzFeed, have a bottle of soda, and chips. I just want to be snuggled under covers.

My parents will not let me have a mental health day, unless I'm actually sick. I was never good at faking being sick.

I desperately just want to stay in my room.

I want to turn my phone off. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to accidentally spill my deep shit to someone... which i did do today and i changed the subject asap

I haven't found anyone who would be able to comfort me. I always think that they will judge me, cal me weak...

I don't know.

My mom walked in and asked if I was crying, I lied with ease and said no.

She told me that a child's best friend is their parents.

Thank you mom for saying that, but sometimes I feel like everything I say and mean is not being understood. Every single action I do that I can't explain to my mom, my dad understands and tries to make my mom understand. But that does not work because she thinks that my dad is always on my side. When in reality, he's trying to make my mom understand why I did that action, so she gets why I did, he isn't picking a side at all, just clarifying things.

Well, I should go.

I'm probably going to go take a nap, drink a big glass of water, a deep breath, and try again.

Thanks for listening.


Taz xx

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