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Confession #32

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Confession #32: I'm tired of analyzing people.

Everyday, it's the same thing. I have to constantly check other people's body languages, how they tense up, or what their expressions are. That's how I need to be perfect. I'm tired of trying to be perfect.

The only reason I am trying to be perfect, is for my family. I'm not good enough for them. I'm trying not to care about what they think, but they are my family. That's what sucks. No matter what, I need them. Therefore I need to listen to them. 

This whole week, I have been tired, exhausted, stressed, and have been getting yelled at. On top of that, PMS was treating me like a pain in the butt with cramps and crankiness. I'm getting tired of it.

I"m getting tired of my family reminding me why I shouldn't be trusted. Yes. I lied before. YES I MADE FREAKING MISTAKES. YES I AM A REJECT.

Please stop reminding me that. 

Because everytime I get reminded, I can't move on in the present and walk into the future. 

Relax taz, and chill.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

Deep breath in again,

Deep breath out again.

I really want a hug from someone at school. At school, I have to act like I am fine. Like nothing has ever happened to me. Like I am actually alright.

I just want someone to say, "Hey, you always tell me you are fine. Are you really? If you need anything let me know."

But that is something I say.

No one else does.

And so I listen and help with their problems and they say "Thanks Taz! You are a lifesaver!"

That comment both warms me and colds me at the same time.

It makes me feel happy that I helped someone, but it makes me feel bad because they never ask how I am, like how I truly am.

Idk right now, maybe it is my PMS and stress talking to me.





And it pisses me off.

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