Confession #62

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Confession #63: I'm that little engine that could

No really I am. I keep on pushing and pushing and pushing and say that I think I can I think I can I think I can but even the little engine that could breaks down. And it needs someone to help them fix it. But see with me, I'm slowly breaking apart and no one really seems so notice.

I wish I was known.

I wish I was SOMEBODY.

But I'm not.

I wish my friend wasn't everything I wanted or trying so hard to be. I'm not jealous, she deserves all the good things she is getting. But it's making it harder for me to keep on chugging and keep my confidence and to keep on trying. Because everytime I get confident someone has to ruin it. I push my self down than anyone else.

I can't look at the mirror without a disgusted look.

I can't smile at home because I feel pathetic

And as a team member of robotics, I feel as if I'm that silent worker that no one even knows my name.

Sometimes I wish I could lean on to someone. I hate how some people are closer friends to people than I will ever be. I miss my best friend. I wish he was in the same city again. I really want him to hug me now. I hate it. Why do my friends that I like have to lose contact with me or just walk away from my life. I have seen so many people change in my life that I can tell who has/will change and who won't.

I'm always the person that comforts others. My friend sometimes talks to me like she is so much more important than me.

For example:

This week during competition our robot and our team lost in the quarterfinals and she cried saying that we were so close. And I tried to tell her that we made it this far and we should be proud of our hard work.

And she ruined my mood by saying: *grabbing my hand tightly* No Taz, you don't understand you weren't in mechanical.

Excuse me? Since when do I have to be in mechanical to understand how close we were to winning? To be close to getting somewhere after working hard? SEEMS LIKE MY LIFE.

I need to go and finish up some homework. But before I go I am going to tell you a sweet story to end this confession so you will end up smiling not crying:

So our team won three awards: Our teacher got teacher of the year, the judges award and my ex won dean's list.

I was so proud of our team that I started crying. I was proud of my ex like really really proud. but anyways when I was crying i couldn't stop and it was quite funny:

teacher: WHY ARE YOU CRYING *smiling*

me: BECAUSE I'M HAPPY*continues crying*

and so I stopped but then started crying again. and this time one of my team members, he was like "it's okay taz we did it!" and I kind of stuck my arms out and he came and hugged me back and held me while I kind of cried a bit again. and everyone was like GROUP HUG and they smooshed me into this huge hug and I felt so much happy and amazing that I stopped crying. butthe water works happened again for a second but another person hugged me.

I think I knew why I was crying. I was crying for my ex more than the team. I was so proud of him and my love was still there for him so I felt like he wasn't my ex anymore.

With that being said: I was like no he needs to be congratulated so i jump over the rows of seats and over the railing almost tripping and I looked at him for a split second and he smiled right up at me. And my pride overflowed and I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE THOUGHT I RAN UP TO HIM AND HUGGED HIM. I cried in his shoulder and buried my face into him. For that moment, I felt as if we were still datiing. It was nice.

As you know he is in a wheelchair and he can't move his hands to embrace me back. But he rested his chin on my neck and one point he leaned his head on me. I held on to him and cried and I broke away and he looked at me with fresh tears in his eyes. I smiled and he smiled.

I'm a fool to think he loved me but at that moment I swear to god our eyes spelled out the word L-O-V-E i didn't care who saw I was proud of him. And he was proud of him too. He always couldn't stand me being sad. I cried once in front of him and he was really sad. Even if I cried tears of joy, he just couldn't stand to see me cry. Not a lot of people can.

And with that note, I end this. I cried throughout the whole entire thing. now it's 8:30pm and I gotta finish my hw school is tomorrow. 

Bye beautifuls <3

I love you all!


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