Confession #17

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Confession #17: I hate being a teen.

What is this shit? Hell I don't even know what being a teen is anymore. If it means going through hell, making the same goddamn mistakes every fucking time then I shouldn't live.

CUT THE YOU DESERVE TO LIVE CRAP. I know that very fucking well. I just feel like I want to sink down in a fucking hole and never exist. I don't normally swear this much but I have to. I don't give damn if anyone reads this caz to be honest, I'm only ONE freakin person buried under other teens who need help. I don't give a damn anymore.

Why do I screw up, and make up the same mistakes. I swear to god I'm tired of this shit. FORGET THE CRAP ABOUT YOU CAN CHANGE. I tried that. I am mental. No one gives a damn. I probably have fucking depression that my family dismisses it as lack of religious procedures and rituals. I tried.

My bf let me cry on my shoulder today and I felt guilty. Why the hell did he choose me? I'm not beautiful. I'm not even fucking special. He held my hand. I felt better. Now I feel like shit.

To hear your mom indirectly hitting you with insults really pisses you off. I'm not done crying. I'm not done calming down. They took my phone away. SHit I hate this crap. I wish I never existed.

Don't try to comfort me in saying I deserve to live. After all the hell I caused in my fucking family. I'm the bitch. I wish I can fix things. The past is the past. I wish Everyone thought like that. Do you know how easy it would have been? We would be happy and never regret.

That is not how the world works. Not at all. The society is fucked up. YOu gotta meet certain standards to be considered pretty. You get judged constantly. You get bullied if you are different. People hate nerds. It's fucked up man.

People say that the soceity never kills the teenager. But it does. It slowly wads up in your brain to the point where you have the soceity checklist and you look in the mirror to see if you fit the requirements.

No one said the teen life is easy. I will go through this storm and face the damage. I can fix most of the damage but not all. I"m not feeling confident. I'm numb. Right now, I want my friends to lean on since my family and myself are the problem.

I hate being like this. I wish I started off better but there is no point in saying that crap anymore. I'm done.

Everyone out there, smile for me. I don't have a smile to wear today.

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