Confession #61

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Confession #61: Why is everyone so mean to me?

I swear to god, no matter how nice I am to people, there are those f*in who effs up people. I can give you three examples of that happening. Two of them come from my math teacher. One comes from my mother.

Okay so scenario number one: I go to my math teacher and ask to retake a test. (My friend was with me too) and he looks at us, looks at the time, zones out for a second and tells me in his bitchface: Alright. You got one hour. That's all I'm going to give you.

Second scenario: I ask my math teacher if he minds giving me and my friend a pass.

His response: I do mind I thought he was joking. But he wasn't. He looked at me with wide eyes and completely pissed off and said: I'm not giving you a pass! I just said okay thanks bye but I was so pissed and upset. LIke the fudge? I was working my ass off to work on a fucking test. MY EDUMACATION.

Third scenario: my mother keeps on indirectly hitting me with innuendos that basically spell out the sentence "you are a failure." She says things like "your brother won't do this." You're brother would've done it this way." Like maybe we have established this that maybe I'm not my brother? Maybe I am different? Maybe I am stupider and more pathetic than my brother? I know I have a C in math. BUT DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD I'M WORKING ON IT? NO YOU DON'T. YOU JUST WANT TO FUCKING THINK THAT EVERYTHING IS SHIT. EVERYTHING I DO YOU'RE NOT PROUD OF. I should just give up everything. I should just walk away with F's and then get kicked out of my family's home and walk away from life. Because every day I feel like doing that.

Right now, I feel horrible. My team decided to pick someone else to interview instead of me and it is a long story and I rather not talk about it.

My mom always picks something up with me and insists that everything is my fault. She always says it in such an accusatory tone that it pisses me off. If she said it nicely it wouldn't have aggravated me too much.

I'm just been feeling so drained to the point where I feel as if all my life will be sucked out of me.

What's amazing is that no one from my school knows anything about my life. Like no one. Everyone thinks I'm that happy go lucky person who has an amazing life and parents. I do have amazing parents, we just rub each other the wrong way, causing heat and friction that is too painful to even bear.

I guess I am starting to see the true meaning in reality. Or maybe just a little bit of reality tbh.

One thing that is making me smile is someone posted this amazing thing on my wall, that has made my day. She posted: Taz, how do you stay so positive? caz lately I can't.

Someone wanting my advice? Someone notiving my positivity? Well  I smiled really big and gave her advice. This book has come a long way. I cried, smiled and punched through this. All you silent readers have been there through everything.

Oh and one thing, today is 3/10 but on 3/7 I would've been still dating an amazing guy for a year. Sometimes I wonder if he remembers the day, if he even wishes to be with me? Idk. I'm probably just another stupid hopeless romantic.

Whatever.

Yeah so I allowed myself to read the sweet texts that he sent me when we were dating. <3 I still love him haha <3

I hope tomorrow will be a better day!

Love you all!

<3

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