Confession #84

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Confession #84: I sometimes feel like I'm not smart enough.

Why do I even try is my main question. I feel like I don't belong in my friend group. The majority of them are awesome and amazing gamers and they are just so experienced with anime and whatnot, I often feel left behind. It's not that I hate anime and gaming, I love them, I just don't find the time to do them because most of the time I'm working my ass off trying to understand and make sure I ace tests.

I really want to get good grades this year. My friends all understand everything that is being taught to them and what not and I'm left feeling very unintelligent. I really wished I was smart. I feel constantly belittled by everyone. 

Even robotics, I feel very intimidated in... sometimes at least. Everyone is in their own nerd world and I don't even know half the fandoms they are talking about. I'm here because I like the people and the environment as well as the stuff we do.

I mean the only thing I can say that I'm "good" at would be writing? But everyone even thinks that subject is boring. Everytime I feel upset that I can't seem to contribute to my friends' random convos about games and new Pokemon stuff. I mean they don't hate me for not being an avid gamer and whatnot they are very supportive and like me for who I am, and I appreciate it. It just... bothers me that I'm helpless.

I'm also terrified that I'm just going to be forgotten someday... Like I don't like being alone all of the time. I want a good friend or two but the thing is my mind likes to stop me from having one due to such strong insecurities.

I'm trying really hard to focus and stay strong for 2016. But frankly 2016 has been starting off to a terrible start. I feel like I shouldn't talk to anyone, shut myself up, and be alone for a while. But at the same time I also feel like leaning on a friend's shoulder and letting out a good long cry. I'm just feeling so scared and upset.

Speaking about intelligence, my parents think I should drop robotics due to my grades. It's going to be build season soon and I just was able to be writing the Woody Flower's award. I was just beginning to be excited about it because writing is my expertise and I was glad and excited they chose me. I don't want to be replaced unexpectedly like last time...

It's a new semester, new grades. GOD OR WHOEVER ANSWERS PRAYERS PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY THIS YEAR? PLEASE? I HAVE SO MANY BIG DREAMS AND IT SEEMS LIKE NONE OF THEM WILL EVERY BE ACCOMPLISHED.

PLEASE

JUST PLEASE

LET ME BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THEM THIS YEAR.

I know I've said this dozens of times, but I want a hug. 

A physical one.

A omg-come-here-i-will-hold-you-until-you-think-you-should-let-go-hug

A meaningful one.

The ones where they hug you back and hold you instead of flailing their hands to the side...

Well I should get back to work.

Another day of confusion and frustration.

Hope you're day is amazing <3

Love,

Taz xx





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