Confession #6

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Confession #6: I fall apart, cry, stop eating, fight back up, stand back up, and stand taller until this happens again.

Well today was an early release. I decided to wear something comfy. I wore a t-shirt that says "I've been naughty", sweatpants, and a colorful (rainbow-striped) beanie. Classes went fine I was out of school at 11:20 in the morning. Crazy I know.

I was home alone because my brother was going to meet someone for lunch. He will come back to drop me off at school for robotics. Anyways, I did my thang, hw, I'm still doing hw just thought I wanted a break and let go of all my thoughts before I do my hw.

So I was getting ready, to go to robotics, when I realized that my mom called me twenty minutes ago. I called her back, an argument erupted, and she hung up. I felt horrible and my brother supported my mom's side (as always) and gave me a long lecture during the drive to school (as always) and I felt horrible. My thoughts were unfocused and a mess, but I managed to pull through.

My mom and brother picked me up from robotics and that's when my mom started at it again. Yelling, throwing my regrets, insults, sprouting over nothing. And I felt like, well crap. When we came back from the store and went home, she was still yelling at me.

I lost it then. I closed my room, and let it out silently. See the thing about me is no matter what I do, if I ever cry in front of anyone, even if it's my worst enemy, for some reason, everyone feels guilty and they want to hug me and give me love to stop me from crying. But, I never cry in front of my family because I know they will call me weak.

My brother once told me, "Please tell me you're not that weak." Desperately. SO I learned not to cry in front of my family.

So I fell apart, I'm picking myself up now. I feel weak and horrible. But I'm listening to music.... I have the song "Fighter" by Christina Auguilera on replay and I'm gaining confidence by the minute and by the beat and by the lyrics.

My mom asking me to eat. I can't. I won't. I"m not hungry, and I feel like crap. Now my mom is becoming soft coaxing me to eat, thinking I"m protesting against her, but I'm not. I just not in the mood to eat. I know I won't be able to finish what I'm eating anyway.

I'm a fighter. I'm fighting so many voices in my mind, including the monster who is putting evil thoughts in my head. No one will understand unless they are dealing with depression or they live with the monster inside their head that has been bringing out their personality and changing it.

I'm a fighter, but idk if I will be a survivor.

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