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Confession #73

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Confession #73: No one will ever know the pain in my eyes.

"Today's gonna be a good day."

Everyday I tell myself that, no matter if I'm smiling or crying. Today's gonna be a good day. Tomorrow's gonna be a good day. That's what I've been saying each day I go to school. And each and everyday had been an adventure. But slowly, these days have just gotten to become too much. Today is gonna be a good day just transformed into Today is the day where I will fail at life. And I'm trying. I'm still telling myself that today is going to be a good day but now it's just being said without meaning. 

Tears escaped my eyes during second period as I realized how poorly I had done in my history essay exam.  And what was amazing is that no one really knew. I just hid my feelings behind the veil and there wasn't anyone to decipher them. Sometimes I wished there was. I was in the mood where I didn't want people to mess with me and pester me with "Are you okay?" questions but I kinda did. I just wanted someone to know how I'm feeling and just hold me. Not like say anything but hold me for as long as I need it. I mean I texted my friends telling her that I needed a hug and she did. But I wish there was someone who had all the time in the world just to hold me until I felt stable again.

I just want love. Everyday I go home, do homework, get yelled at for some reason. I'm never fully "there" at home. I don't really be open with my parents because how can I be? If I tell them that I failed the essay, they won't be okay you're gonna be fine, they will be oh yeah your brother never failed an exam... HOW. HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO OPEN UP. HOW. JUST HOW.

I"m getting sick and tired of getting yelled at, sick and tired of commiting to my old selfish habits, sick and tired of staying the same. HOW DO YOU CHANGE WHEN YOU ALWAYS GO BACK DOING THE SAME MISTAKES?

My mom called my brother this time and talked shit about me. And my brother, like usual talked to her and took her side. Do you not understand my side? You try taking ap classes. You try being anxious. You try walking to your school feeling anxious about what people are thinking and judging. You try trying so hard to get something only to fail.

My brother called me and asked if there was something up. I said I'm good. I'm not ready to be open to my brother. It's awkward to be open to someone who is really straightforward because sometimes I really just want sympathy not the truth since I already know the truth. Maybe someday I will feel okay enough to open up to him. Maybe the end of this week if I'm feeling depressed.

I don't know.

I should go do my homework.

I hope my anxiety doesn't ruin me.



Taz xx

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