Confessions

Confession #12

Confession #12 I ruined my own life.

Yup. Guys I did. Today I told my mom about this dance that is going to happen on Saturday. It won't be at school but it will be at the courthouse. She started to get worried. The courthouse is downtown and that is where the dance will be.

Mom: I'll go with you

Me: You need to pay 15 bucks!

Mom: Still

Me: No one goes at the dance with their parents mom. It is the truth.

Mom: Make up an excuse then to not to go.

See the problem is, this dance, calle TWIRP, is required for stugo members. I HAVE to go. The stugo members decided it to be free!

Everyone in stugo, told everyone else that they will not hear any excuse from anyone else about it. How can I skip it?

Plus, I actually really do wanna go. And it is free!!!!!! There will be teachers, meta l detectors to scan people's bags, and even federal officials supervising the dance! I mean it is going to be a very safe dance!

I told my dad about it, he is more of the reserved type. He will act like he is considering it but maybe later, in the last minute he will say I cannot go.

My mom went into a frenzy about it and told me that she does so many thigns for me and stuff and that I don't care. I am working on changing that. She won't let me loose on that.

And here comes the Asian/Muslim expectations.... Everyone thinks that I am the perfect daughter. So they tell their own sons and daughters to be like me. Some parents DESPISE me because they are jealous at how good of a daughter I portray to be. If I do a mistake, one slip... THEN THEY WILL KEEP IT IN MY RECORD BOOK FOREVER.

That is what my mom is worried about. She thinks that people heard me going to a dance, they will talk about it behind our backs. She is afraid of that glory and praise she recieves that could be damaged.

I am tired of it. I just realized that I ruined my own life. If I was more responsible, made sure to fix my mistakes, made my mom and dad proud, they would probably trust in me more. They would probably consider in letting me go to the dance.

The week is not over yet so idk yet if I am going or not. I am debating on talking about it to my brother. I told him I needed his brotherly advice but I never actually went to his room to talk and ask about it to him. Should I? I don't want to end up hurt and be called fragile again.

God dang this. I hate this. Can I please change it? Can I make my mom say yes? idk

My mom thought I was quiet because I was protesting about the dance. I wasn't quiet because of that. I realized that I really messed up my life. BADLY. I was also quiet because I knew that if I opened up my mouth, my anger would come out and I really didn't want things to escalate.

She later told me that I could go because she knows that I want to go and there's no stopping me once I want something, but she will not support it. She told me to let my brother and my dad to support it and I can go.

She isn't mad at me anymore. She is acting normal. Idk if it's because she got over it or if she's being nice to me so I can reconsider my decision for going.

I'm crying because idk what to do. I messed up life big time. No one understands me. My bro does at times, but sometimes he doesn't. I mean he is a guy after all....... I wish I also had a sister. I need both genders in my life.

I'm deciding to either talk about this to my bro tonight or tomorrow. I will let you know.

I am so alone. God help me. Allah please answer me. Please tell me I am allowed to go. Please tell my parents that I am trying to fit in.

I just can't.